The Q&A session is over... The grilling game!

At least 3 times per week I still get asked "How did you do it?" People are always looking for the simple answer to better health. I usually use the line that best describes my truth. Everyone is different, find what works for you. Unfortunately no one likes this answer for some reason. If you have read this blog before than you know it was a rocky road from 287lbs to a children's sized marathon runner. I have a ton of issues but have learned how to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight. When I finally give them an answer, it's never what anyone wants to hear. So my question is, why ask?
I'm someone who is stubborn and relentless when it comes to my own goals. Probably a better description is obsessive to the point of crazy! I didn't just diet, I pretty much stopped eating. I didn't just kinda start running 5k's casually, I became a marathon runner. When I tell people I went down to 600 calories per day, they say that's crazy. No shit Sherlock! When I tell them you should never go down under 1200 calories per day they even look at me like I'm crazy. When I suggest healthier options compared to what their eating sometimes it gets combative. Here's the thing I don't understand, I didn't want to have this convo, so why get mad at it?
It's a tough road. I know I've been every size they make for a woman, literally. From size 26 to 00, it's a road that can really take a toll on you. I feel that everyone only lives once. This is my life that I'm living only once. I was seriously unhealthy and had to lose the weight to not have impending doom. If your healthy and happy, who gives a shit? If you want to get healthy there are some horrible truths that eating healthy and regular exercise are the key. Do you have to run marathons? Fuck no! But they are a lot of fun and can be addicting:).
I'm always happy to help but if your not ready don't blame the messenger. It sucks donkey balls at first but soon it becomes a habit like most things in life. I've taken it too far and have to deal with the consequences. There is a happy medium as with everything. I'm a huge advocate for exercise because I think it can improve everything. It makes you feel good about yourself and can boost self-confidence. Eating healthy can also have those affects and healthy doesn't always equal food tasting like butt. There are so many healthy options out there and you have to find what works for you!
It hurts to have people pissed when they asked the question and I really could give 2 shits what you do if your happy and healthy. I will be your personal cheerleader but not your punching bag. So next time you ask someone who has done what some people think is the impossible (which really isn't), be kind. You don't have to take their advice and you can totally call them names when they aren't around. Truth is, the former me would probably hate me!

Doing it for yourself! Paris 2015

People run marathons for a whole list of reasons. I would know, I did a research project in college on it. Literally the title was "Reasons people run marathons". We had 200 Boston marathon runners take a survey. Most people wanted to prove something. Shocker! I think that's how a lot of people start out. That's how I started. I wanted to prove to everyone I could take on the big bad Boston and complete it. I exceeded so many expectations. So after you have done one, what's there left to prove?
Boston I proved my point. I also lived out my dreams and joined the very few people to ever complete a marathon. I also learned how much I've been missing out on in life by not running. After I felt I needed to prove I wasn't a one trick pony. I signed up for another way to soon and got injured. Even after all that, I still did considerably well in Wakefield. That marathon left me with the "I can do better" feeling. In NYC I was out to prove that I could be a competitor. That's exactly what I proved. I trained smarter, ate better and got my sub 4 hour marathon. About 2 months after that, I finally had a good half marathon. So what is there left to prove? Everything!
Paris is all for me. Not only is a gift to myself but it's a chance to prove to myself that hard work pays off. I've trained so hard, been through enough and it's time to start living. Paris is a chance for me to finally put all the sadness to rest. It's almost a funeral for my former self. At the end of those 26.2 miles or 42.16481 kilometers (it is Europe), I feel like she's gone forever. A year later and 4 marathons down, I can finally say good bye to the person I used to be. While I probably will always feel like I need to lose more weight, I'm not anywhere near where I used to be. I may have A glass of wine once and a while, I'm no longer the drunk. I may not be able to lift socks, but I am an athlete. I used to be sad 24/7, now there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to dress horribly, now I take pride in my clothes. My hair is finally coming back and I eat right. Boston was to prove I could, Wakefield was to prove I could twice, NYC was to prove I could run and Paris is to prove she's gone.
34 days until I get rid of the pain. What a beautiful way to do it. I think everyone would want to have their memorial under the Effiel Tower! Don't you? The fashion capital of the world is not ready for this idiot! Ready or not here I come.

Paris Fashion Week... Oui!!

This lovely outfit is brought to you by Lanvin (picture courtesy of Vogue Paris). Lanvin so far is the only show I've been impressed with. Balmain looked like a color block nightmare. Chanel channeled Little House on the Prairie. The rest was pretty much the same, black dresses with leather some where on it. There wasn't any different hair or make up. It looked exactly like fall/winter depression. Lot's of Kendall Jenner and Cara Delivigne pictures. Plus Lot's of shots of Kim Kardashian's blond hair, I don't love it but I don't hate it.
The main reason to look was to see what styles are in and what I saw was sleek lines and fun colors. Now I didn't get that from the actual runway shots but on the profiles of the street style. That's what people are actually wearing. Lot's of fun blazers, colorful accessories and really cute shoes. Basically my dream came true. These people know how to dress. I understand it's pictures of people around fashion week, but in Paris, mom jeans and Ugg slippers are kinda frowned upon. A country after my own heart! I may be into colorful spandex on a run but I make sure I get dressed otherwise. I think this helps with self-esteem.
Getting dressed everyday and enjoying fashion is self expression. I think fashion is art. For me, the importance of getting up and getting ready makes you feel ready for the day. Plus, when you spend most of your time either in running clothes or dance clothes it's nice to put on a skirt or a dress. I may not put on Chanel haute couture everyday but I get dressed cute on a budget. It's almost fun to get inspired from the pictures and shows then recreate the look for less. Spring is all about flowers and pastels. Finally getting away from the brown, black and grey winter.
It's that time to pick the perfect marathon! Honestly I've considered going black and hot pink. They have really cute pink compression socks at Nike right now and those are essential. Sometimes you have to plan an outfit around one piece. It's not the color scheme I was going to go with but, got to do what you got to do! While it's important to look cute, it's also important to perform! 36 DAYS!!! I almost cannot fathom this. Paris this little fashionista is ready for you!

Blank Space... Don't know if I'm ready to write a name!

Sure, everyone wants to find someone they can share their life experiences with, cuddle on a cold Sunday afternoon and someone to help when you realize your stuck in your 14 wet layers of spandex and you need help getting them off. Having someone who understands you, encourages you and supports you. Unfortunately sometimes it's hard to find and for a runner obsessed with training it's even harder. (I've posted about that, no need to elaborate). Sometimes when you find yourself single, it's a good thing.
Take it from Taylor herself, she's single, having the time of her life and enjoying her friends. She's traveling and living her life the way she wants. If I only had her bank account.... Oh, the shenanigans and races that would happen. Right now I'm single and I'm actually pretty happy about it. Going to Paris, training 24/7 and enjoying my friends is so much better. I think that it may be hard to find someone considering my passion and goals but I've decided changing is not really an option. I was listening to this song and thought how right she is.
Being with someone to be with someone is just not for me. I've done it, lived it got the t-shirt and it wasn't fun. Many of my runs have been fueled by anger from a guy. While hitting a personal best after that scumbag did you wrong feels amazing, it's kind of wasted energy. Even though all of this was brought to you by an ass, it has taught me to stop settling for less. At this age if he is not enhancing your life then screw it. Once those tables turn then on back to being single. Some at my age have that biological clock ticking but I would rather hit the snooze then be stuck with someone who can't understand me or hurts me. Most marathoners don't have much time with training and all. I think about my crazy schedule and a romance would be nice but luckily not needed.
I've been hurt a lot and crushed. I lost 160lbs partly due to a broken heart. I became a runner to prove to myself that I am worth it and now that I feel sorta worth it I'm going to focus on me. I think sometimes women think they have value if they have a man. Sometimes a girl needs to find value in herself first. That has been a huge goal of mine for 2015. To see myself as someone who is worth it. Sometimes being alone and finding out who you really are is necessary. If he comes along then great, if not then I have a blank space! With only 37 days to Paris it's really hard to focus on anything else. To the Arc de Triumph!!!

The Final Countdown..... Paris!

Possibly the dumbest song, yet the funniest ever! Oh Job Bluth, your magic tricks are illusions! The final countdown has begun, for Paris! Still have to find the perfect outfit, get one more pair of sneakers and need that Carrie dress! While this will be the trip of a lifetime, there still is that lingering epic road race to be concerned with. Oh you know, that 26.2 mile (42.16481 kilometers, it is Europe!)journey to worry about, lose your shit and cry like a baby about. In training this is the most crucial time and really the last few weeks to make any progress before the race!
In a few weeks I will run my 22 miler. After that it's taper time and the end of hard core training. This doesn't mean you go slow and eat pizza, but after that there really isn't anything you can do. You still run but the mileage goes down and you freak out. The next few weeks will be crucial. No splurging food wise, no drinking and lots of running like a nut bag!this is also the time for me when my mind starts to slip into "I can't" mode. It's a double edged sword. I know this mentality always pushes me to perform but it messes with you big time. I'm always a complete crazy girl right before.
You would think at this point running that many miles would not scare me. This will be round 4 and after my last half I felt like I could have easily kept going. Truth is I feel stronger than ever. I've always trained like a psycho especially this round. Yet, that little voice in the back of my head says "this is it.. this is the time your going to fail!" I completely bombed the marathon in Wakefield, so it's not like I haven't shown up and sucked. The nerves are back though and the fear is there. What happens if I choke at mile 3? What if I blow my knee again? All of this stuff scares the bejesus out of me. Also, the threat of shitting my pants, especially in Paris, is always looming.
"Run Fat Girl, Run!!" will be going through my brain for the next few weeks. There will be many speed runs to burn out the crazy and long runs to remind myself I can make it. Reading Paris Vogue and trying to cram in conversational French is also on the menu. I can't believe it's almost here and I could not be more excited and scared shit less! Foch Avenue right in front of the Arc De Triumph is where it all starts and I will be there soon. To Paris with love and excitement!

#NEDA week, my struggle and how running saved me!

When your losing weight everyone compliments you. When you've gone too far everyone can see it. Nothing is so scary for someone then the possibility of the weight coming back on. So many struggle with these issues. It is an embarrassing topic for me, but in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, this is my story and what happened. First, you learn how to manage. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think I'm good and there are days I still feel I need to lose more. For me, it's hard to imagine that I've lost it all. I don't see the girl everyone else apparently sees. I see a girl who still needs to lose 30 pounds. They say it takes longer for the brain to register the weight loss. My brain is definitely taking its time.
When I was heavy, I never hid my eating. I ate what I wanted and drank whatever I wanted. I had grown up in a culture of food but hated to cook. I Loved McDonalds, take out pizza and Chinese food (the American version). When I went to the doctors, given the death sentence and started the diet, I actually was on a healthy path. I ate adequate calories, ate healthy home cooked meals and had a night off and enjoyed a splurge but not over the top. The weight was coming off in a normal, timely matter and I was feeling really good. Unfortunately, something happened in the guy department and things started spinning out of control.
I wanted the weight off faster. I was done with feeling awful about myself that really only came after dieting. I looked at what medical weight loss programs looked like and copied them without going through the actual surgical procedure. I cut back to about 600 to 800 calories per day. Pretty much no carbohydrates. Just fruits, vegetables and lean protein. I gave up red meat, soda and bread. I told myself that it was my fault I was so gross and this is your punishment. I felt weak but, with the amount of weight I still had to lose no one really noticed. My mood completely shifted as well. I was a complete mess. I cried about 3 times per day and had lost all my passion for life. All I cared about was getting the weight off. I wrote down everything that I ate. I still have notebooks full of what I ate, how I felt and notes on how ugly and fat I was. I was always feeling weak and sick. I always felt like I was on the verge of passing out. I went to the doctors and found out I was worse off then before. They sent me to therapy and I was diagnosed with anorexia but I thought they were full of shit. How could someone that big be anorexic I thought. I didn't take it seriously and things just got worse.
Needless to say this diet worked and about 7 months later I had lost about 110 pounds. Up until this point no one had really noticed my weight loss. That all changed. It was like night and day. Everyone saw the change felt the need to comment. Most people would have stopped there. I was a size 6 and looked like a normal 30 year old. for the first time in a long time I was in a single digit size. I actually felt pretty good at that point. I still had hair. I had a good feeling about myself and around this time I started running. I was jogging/walking about 2-3 miles 5 times per week and I was enjoying it but then shit hit the fan again. I couldn't shake the diet and continued to eat very little.
Eating so little plus running equaled a huge weight loss in a small amount of time. I was pretty much burning every calorie I consumed and became obsessed. My hair started to fall out, my eyes were sunken in and I looked and felt horrible. Everyone started to notice and were not very kind. People laughed behind my back and made mean comments. This actually fueled the fire even more. I thought "Well I'll show them, I'm still too fat to be anorexic!" Watching the concern with my family was also difficult. They could tell something was wrong. Inside I was so self conscious and my issues were consuming me. I couldn't see what everyone else saw, that I was hurting myself.
I was completely over my life and had really hit rock bottom. That's when everything changed. I got into the marathon and was about to do something I had always dreamed of but was to embarrassed to say. When I decided to run, it was at mid night and I basically felt I had 2 choices; run or be done. I obviously chose to run and my whole world changed. I got a new therapist who actually helped and an amazing nutritionist who has actually inspired me to go in that direction myself.
When I run, the pain goes away and I feel better. I fight to run. There are days when I want to throw in the towel, stop eating so much and diet down. Running gives me the hope to make healthy choices and enjoy life again. You can't run that much and not eat, just not going to happen. Running also taught me to not be so hard on myself and that no one is perfect. I never want to go back to being unhealthy in either direction and running has taught me how to do that. I'm still fighting the good fight and eventually it will be easier. I've come so far as it is and hopefully someday it will be okay. My hope is that if your struggling, know your not alone and never let anyone tell you your not worth it because you are. I let someone hurt me and will never let that happen again.
Paris is a gift to myself for my change. I'm sure most people think it's for the weight loss but it's for getting through the pain. Lot's of people say running this much is detrimental to your health but for me, it's for my mental health and sometimes that's all that matters. 49 days until I go to my dream city and have it all! Once again if you are struggling get help and know it's okay!

Being considered an Athlete is just weird!

I wasn't the best at sports as a child. When I was a dancer it was an art, even if it was art by using my body. As a person I consider myself girly and not really for rolling around in the mud. As a runner I've become comfortable with sweat, mud, snot rockets and spitting. I've become comfortable with the threat of competition and the love of racing. Actually I've become slightly obsessed with split times, speed runs and spandex. I had someone call me an athlete recently and I was taken aback by it. I was like "What, no, I'm not an athlete." But after thinking about, maybe I am.
When I was a dancer, I loved the physical part way more than the art behind it. I never really saw the true meaning behind the pieces. It always just either looked cool or stupid. When I got older and had to choreograph, I secretly laughed about everyone trying to find hidden meanings in my work. I would get back competition tapes and love to find out what these judges thought I was doing. Truth, I liked the music and advised my students to look constipated. I would tell them to eat a ton of cheese if they had to. I was way more interested in their form and the actual movement. I was known for crazy fast paced pieces and most of my students would say I tortured them. In tap I just love jazz music and loved the different rhythms you could make, plus how fast you could make them. I was always trying to be more flexible, turn more and tap faster.
Clearly with the running I always want to get faster and be more of a competitor. I'm constantly trying to push myself to get ahead regardless of how crazy it looks. I'm always pushing myself I'm sure to a fault. This is what athletes do, so maybe I am one? I'm not an elite clearly, will never be one but the thrill of a personal best is way better than any junk food or alcohol ever brought. The feeling of killing a long run or crushing my previous time by minutes after a race is the best ever. Truth is I was never an artist. To this day if I watch a dance I see the technique and the choreography not the meaning. I love sports and I'm always fascinated by the athleticism behind it. I'm probably one of the only people who watches a football game in silence. I'm always truly in awe of what it takes to perform. Don't get me wrong, I love art and music. I cannot wait to visit the Louvre and hopefully hit up a local music show.
At the end of the day I will push myself to the next level and hopefully get a Personal Best in Paris! Athlete or not I'm going to compete. Plus meet a French guy with fashion sense and never come home! 50 Days and I can't wait!