#NEDA week, my struggle and how running saved me!

When your losing weight everyone compliments you. When you've gone too far everyone can see it. Nothing is so scary for someone then the possibility of the weight coming back on. So many struggle with these issues. It is an embarrassing topic for me, but in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, this is my story and what happened. First, you learn how to manage. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think I'm good and there are days I still feel I need to lose more. For me, it's hard to imagine that I've lost it all. I don't see the girl everyone else apparently sees. I see a girl who still needs to lose 30 pounds. They say it takes longer for the brain to register the weight loss. My brain is definitely taking its time.
When I was heavy, I never hid my eating. I ate what I wanted and drank whatever I wanted. I had grown up in a culture of food but hated to cook. I Loved McDonalds, take out pizza and Chinese food (the American version). When I went to the doctors, given the death sentence and started the diet, I actually was on a healthy path. I ate adequate calories, ate healthy home cooked meals and had a night off and enjoyed a splurge but not over the top. The weight was coming off in a normal, timely matter and I was feeling really good. Unfortunately, something happened in the guy department and things started spinning out of control.
I wanted the weight off faster. I was done with feeling awful about myself that really only came after dieting. I looked at what medical weight loss programs looked like and copied them without going through the actual surgical procedure. I cut back to about 600 to 800 calories per day. Pretty much no carbohydrates. Just fruits, vegetables and lean protein. I gave up red meat, soda and bread. I told myself that it was my fault I was so gross and this is your punishment. I felt weak but, with the amount of weight I still had to lose no one really noticed. My mood completely shifted as well. I was a complete mess. I cried about 3 times per day and had lost all my passion for life. All I cared about was getting the weight off. I wrote down everything that I ate. I still have notebooks full of what I ate, how I felt and notes on how ugly and fat I was. I was always feeling weak and sick. I always felt like I was on the verge of passing out. I went to the doctors and found out I was worse off then before. They sent me to therapy and I was diagnosed with anorexia but I thought they were full of shit. How could someone that big be anorexic I thought. I didn't take it seriously and things just got worse.
Needless to say this diet worked and about 7 months later I had lost about 110 pounds. Up until this point no one had really noticed my weight loss. That all changed. It was like night and day. Everyone saw the change felt the need to comment. Most people would have stopped there. I was a size 6 and looked like a normal 30 year old. for the first time in a long time I was in a single digit size. I actually felt pretty good at that point. I still had hair. I had a good feeling about myself and around this time I started running. I was jogging/walking about 2-3 miles 5 times per week and I was enjoying it but then shit hit the fan again. I couldn't shake the diet and continued to eat very little.
Eating so little plus running equaled a huge weight loss in a small amount of time. I was pretty much burning every calorie I consumed and became obsessed. My hair started to fall out, my eyes were sunken in and I looked and felt horrible. Everyone started to notice and were not very kind. People laughed behind my back and made mean comments. This actually fueled the fire even more. I thought "Well I'll show them, I'm still too fat to be anorexic!" Watching the concern with my family was also difficult. They could tell something was wrong. Inside I was so self conscious and my issues were consuming me. I couldn't see what everyone else saw, that I was hurting myself.
I was completely over my life and had really hit rock bottom. That's when everything changed. I got into the marathon and was about to do something I had always dreamed of but was to embarrassed to say. When I decided to run, it was at mid night and I basically felt I had 2 choices; run or be done. I obviously chose to run and my whole world changed. I got a new therapist who actually helped and an amazing nutritionist who has actually inspired me to go in that direction myself.
When I run, the pain goes away and I feel better. I fight to run. There are days when I want to throw in the towel, stop eating so much and diet down. Running gives me the hope to make healthy choices and enjoy life again. You can't run that much and not eat, just not going to happen. Running also taught me to not be so hard on myself and that no one is perfect. I never want to go back to being unhealthy in either direction and running has taught me how to do that. I'm still fighting the good fight and eventually it will be easier. I've come so far as it is and hopefully someday it will be okay. My hope is that if your struggling, know your not alone and never let anyone tell you your not worth it because you are. I let someone hurt me and will never let that happen again.
Paris is a gift to myself for my change. I'm sure most people think it's for the weight loss but it's for getting through the pain. Lot's of people say running this much is detrimental to your health but for me, it's for my mental health and sometimes that's all that matters. 49 days until I go to my dream city and have it all! Once again if you are struggling get help and know it's okay!

Being considered an Athlete is just weird!

I wasn't the best at sports as a child. When I was a dancer it was an art, even if it was art by using my body. As a person I consider myself girly and not really for rolling around in the mud. As a runner I've become comfortable with sweat, mud, snot rockets and spitting. I've become comfortable with the threat of competition and the love of racing. Actually I've become slightly obsessed with split times, speed runs and spandex. I had someone call me an athlete recently and I was taken aback by it. I was like "What, no, I'm not an athlete." But after thinking about, maybe I am.
When I was a dancer, I loved the physical part way more than the art behind it. I never really saw the true meaning behind the pieces. It always just either looked cool or stupid. When I got older and had to choreograph, I secretly laughed about everyone trying to find hidden meanings in my work. I would get back competition tapes and love to find out what these judges thought I was doing. Truth, I liked the music and advised my students to look constipated. I would tell them to eat a ton of cheese if they had to. I was way more interested in their form and the actual movement. I was known for crazy fast paced pieces and most of my students would say I tortured them. In tap I just love jazz music and loved the different rhythms you could make, plus how fast you could make them. I was always trying to be more flexible, turn more and tap faster.
Clearly with the running I always want to get faster and be more of a competitor. I'm constantly trying to push myself to get ahead regardless of how crazy it looks. I'm always pushing myself I'm sure to a fault. This is what athletes do, so maybe I am one? I'm not an elite clearly, will never be one but the thrill of a personal best is way better than any junk food or alcohol ever brought. The feeling of killing a long run or crushing my previous time by minutes after a race is the best ever. Truth is I was never an artist. To this day if I watch a dance I see the technique and the choreography not the meaning. I love sports and I'm always fascinated by the athleticism behind it. I'm probably one of the only people who watches a football game in silence. I'm always truly in awe of what it takes to perform. Don't get me wrong, I love art and music. I cannot wait to visit the Louvre and hopefully hit up a local music show.
At the end of the day I will push myself to the next level and hopefully get a Personal Best in Paris! Athlete or not I'm going to compete. Plus meet a French guy with fashion sense and never come home! 50 Days and I can't wait!

Time goes by... even when running!

We all get older. Things come and go. We love, we laugh and we fart. We lose touch with childhood friends. We start our careers, our families and have day to day mini dramas that encompass moving on and getting older. I've had some personal drama recently, nothing serious, just stupid shit. You know.. training isn't going as fast as I had hoped, boy crap.. the usual for a girl. Thanks to the power of social media, you read something that brings you right back to who you were at a different time.
I've been on a strange trip through marathon land. My life has completely changed in the past couple of years and had friends come and go. Through running, I've learned how to deal with life's past and present challenges. When I read what happened to an old friend I realized how thankful I should be for my life changes and to still be here living.
Sure certain things are still going to bother me, I'm a girl. It does feel like no matter what happens recently after a hard core run things are better. The one thing I don't do often is reflect on the past. Today I started thinking about all the times I had with this person and how much I actually missed those times. This happens to everyone. Sometimes it's good to look back though and remember the good times.
 I've put so much of the past behind me and vowed to never look back. My goal is to only look forward and never be concerned with what happened yesterday because there's always tomorrow. Cue up the Annie! Maybe it's good to look back so we can appreciate how far we have come and keep focus on the future. I'm living such a weird crazy life now that most people can't even imagine. Actually for the first time yesterday, I actually felt like a real athlete. Not in the sense of sponsorship and headed to Rio, but that I train for an athletic event. I'm still slow, I totally get that but yesterday was a weird feeling of "hey I might actually be athletic."
I'm really fucking lucky and don't think for a second I don't know that. Everyday I'm super thankful for the life I have and to be able to run around in spandex scarring the citizens of Suffolk County (Boston). After reading this passage on the good old Facebook, I took a second to think about the past and realized how much everything has changed. This person used to love a certain style of shirt and I wore one in honor of her. I paired with a fluffy skirt and pointy toe flats but that's neither here nor there. I'm thankful to go to Paris and continue living the dream. A crazy dream only 1% of the population engages in apparently.

When you question your training... train harder!

Why doesn't my hair look like that when I'm running? Oh that's right, I'm not trying to take a picture:). For about 3 1/2 months I've been on a new training program. More miles, more speed and more hills. I wasn't quite sure if it was working. I hadn't seen the results I thought I would. I figured I would be faster by now. I started to become paranoid and over analyzing every run. Could I have gone faster? Did I push myself? Was there enough hills? This was clearly not healthy! Once I looked at from a sane perspective, I had achieved more.
 I shaved 32 seconds off my split time from NYC to my NYC half in 2 months. That may not seem like a lot but it actually is. Plus feeling like ass that morning makes me question was that really my best? I can tell you the answer is no. Doing speed workouts on that awful treadmill an 8 minute split felt pretty easy. Let me put that into perspective. I wasn't pushing it. Most of the time I was doing a 7:30 split time. I also know from my training runs I have been clocking under 8 so I'm right where I wanted to be. Now, I'm not jinxing jack shit. I know I could show up to Paris and perform like crap. Hence my half.
The goal now, being so close but still in the time frame to enhance my performance, to push harder. Faster speed running and faster pace runs. Maybe amp up the mileage (who am I kidding, of course I will!). I'm also going to look at my diet and see what I can do for better performance. I want to know I did everything I possibly could in the amount of time I had for the best results. I would also like to avoid the usual... Shiting my pants, nipple bleeds, chafing in any area, black toe and I would love for my hair to like the picture throughout the race.
Paris is only 51 days away and it's close but far. If I screw up there will be other races. This race is for me though. After dreaming of this city forever, I want to go in and compete strong. I want this to be the adventure of a lifetime and if I have to spend a few nights on the bathroom floor because I can't move... then qualify for Boston (instead get into London), then it's totally worth it! Plus find a French guy with a great fashion sense, find the perfect job and never come back. Yeah, I have big dreams:)! Au revoir!

Plus sized for a runner... Why does it matter?

When looking at the sizes of the elite runners, I realized I weigh a lot more than them. Even though I look like I weigh 100lbs soaking wet.. I don't. In races I've seen girls larger than me killing it and finishing faster than me. There are so many articles on losing weight with running and smaller = faster. Is being the smallest you can be really the key to success? Or, are these girls who get paid to run hundreds of miles per week just that small due to the amount of miles? I think every runner who competes even on a recreational level questions this. According to these lovely ladies stats online, I'm plus sized in the venue of competitive running.
For me this has only to do with running. If your not a complete bat shit crazy runner, who gives a shit what your size or weight it. As long as your healthy and happy... own it! Unfortunately for me who wants to be the fastest I can be, this becomes an issue. I've stayed in the same ball park weight throughout all 3 of my marathons. I'm still at the weight as I get closer to Paris. I know that my disgusting habit of smoking contributes to my turtle pace but is my weight also an issue. Of course my nutritionist and therapist say "fuck no!" but they also look at my BMI and getting me sane. They are not really concerned about my pace per mile.
They all say I'm pure muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle I've obtained but, if I was smaller would I go faster? It makes sense, the less load you have to carry 26.2 miles, the easier it will be. As anyone will tell you, it's hard to lose in training. Maybe the real key is to run more miles. I've tried everything and I actually eat a lot less than the elites do. I also have a full time job and can't run a marathon every day. Maybe it is all about training. Maybe until Nike signed my ass and I can run full time then I have to be happy with my slow progression. Either way I will do everything I can to succeed.
Only 53 days until my Parisian dream comes true. What my end result will be... 4/12/15 we shall find out. I'm still feel not completely ready but I have some time. Hopefully I'll find a great outfit and I hairstyle that will actually stay put! Hopefully I won't shit my pants and be happy with my time. Looking like an ass in Paris is not the goal!

A recreational runner... Being slow is ok right?

Giving up or giving in has never been an option. Even full of self doubt, I get out there everyday and run the mileage. Some days are faster than others. I give my new found hobby 110% and leave it on the streets. There are days though.. I wish I could be faster! I think every runner has self doubt and maybe that's what motivates us all to do better and train harder. Recently I hit the "wall" mentally. I couldn't figure out why. Was it burn out? Was I eating enough? Really at the end of the day, I knew what the problem was.. My self consciousness has finally come back to haunt me.
I know I'm slow, I'm new. I haven't even made it through a year of marathon training. Before that I barely made it through a 5k. I know I have a long way to go. Most people started their journey's back in their teens or even before. I started running when I was 29. We can all get caught up reading about others and their success stories. I even wrote a blog about comparisons. For me, I know the problem is myself. I still feel self-conscious running the streets of Boston. I'm in the city of qualifiers! So many here are running 7 minute miles on the regular. My fastest race pace is 8. I've been challenged silently on the street before and it is kinda fun. Especially with the college kids. Clearly they are like "I can totally kick the slow old ladies ass!"
I think this has become a problem for me because I'm pushing myself harder than ever and I feel like I'm not see much of a result. Maybe I am, it's hard to tell. My last half was a personal best. I shaved off 35 seconds on my pace per mile. I'm hoping by Paris for a full minute off that. It won't happen, but it's a goal to strive for. When I run outside sometimes I'm embarrassed. It's something I have to get out of my head. While it may be the driving force, it's not the greatest habit. the good thing about snowmaggedon here in Boston is that the snowbanks are so high that if I run on the sidewalk... You can't see me.
With Paris 54 days away I know the competition will be fierce. Going off in a low wave scares the bejesus out of me. Hopefully I can hang with that crew. If my half is any indication, then yes. If that was a fluke then I'm fucked:(. At least I'll be in a beautiful city to drown my sorrows!

Getting Back to the Reason... Paris!

You hit a mental wall then break out of it by remembering the goal. Paris! The fashion capitol, the city of love and the place you have dreamed of all your life. There are so many reasons to go to Paris. I would love for someone to think of a reason not to go to Paris. Just to stand in front of the Effiel Tower and bask in its beauty is a reason to push harder than you ever have. To run and be accepted to run in the most beautiful city in the world is a reason enough for a grueling winter full of numb extremities and crazy training injuries!
Sometimes through all the mini dramas of life we have to step back and look at the big picture. That big picture being the Louis Vuitton spring line or CHANEL bags. Going to the city where these pieces that I believe is art originated is crazy. So many up and coming designers as well will be amazing to see up close and personal. Walking the streets and seeing French street style all around you is something I cannot fathom. Definitely looking forward to tiny museums, little cafes and people watching. Just to be there and be a part of the culture almost brings me to tears.
I love cities. Growing up in a small town will have that effect on you. Dreaming of what else is out there. All the different people, languages and culture fascinates me. Definitely going to hit up some Paris nightlife, got to see what the kids are doing. Hoping M83 is in town (one of my favorite bands)! Heels may be off the menu for a few days after the marathon, but we can rock some cute flats. I've decided to run my 22 miler in NYC. 3+ loops around Central Park, plus stock up on Canal street with cheap fashion accessories. Cute sunglasses, already have the perfect handbags and some essential clothing pieces to perfect the look. You have to do your once in a lifetime trip perfectly!
Trust me.. I haven't forgotten the tiny race in the middle of the trip. I'm back on board with my training and I want to walk away with a personal best. Have my diet back on point and I have decided that absolutely nothing is going to ruin my dream! I may question everything, but I will fight my own demons for Paris. In this stage in the game, training is always grueling. This is when the mileage is the most and the weather here in Boston has not treated us so kindly. I have fallen, forced into the gym and freeze my ass off. I know when I cross that finish line at the Arc de Triumph it will be all worth it and I won't remember my hands in pain and losing feeling. 54 Days until the most epic race of a lifetime! To Paris with love!

How do you keep going when you want to stop...

I'm not sure if it is burnout or if I'm tired. I'm not sure if training for almost a year has caught up to me. I'm not sure if my ass has just gotten lazy. Like the picture says.. It's time to put on my big girl pants! With less than 2 months to Paris, the pitty party needs to stop. I needed to sit back and remember why I started all the crazy madness in the first place. I've proven I'm capable of at least finishing the marathon. I've had faster times in every race I've done. That's really not tough considering the short time frame. I sat back and remembered where I began and where I wanted to go.
Training has been insane for Paris. I wanted to get faster in a pretty short amount of time. This past Saturday I went out on a longer run. I was contemplating taking my really long for the week and I barely made it through my long/medium route. It was a huge blow because that hasn't happened in since training for Wakefield. I came home and thought "What is wrong with me?" I was sore from Head to toe and I was just not into it. I've been having thoughts of quiting for a while, and this scares me. I've wanted this for so long but I also don't want to be beast woman forever. I realized all of this complaining and girly stupidity derived from an exercise via therapy. I'm supposed to be looking in the mirror more. I guess my mind has not caught up to my body yet on my changes. Honestly all I was seeing was somebody I had never met.
I saw a girl who is all muscle and is bumpy. I thought "yep, you still need to lose about 30 lbs.". I know in my heart that won't be possible if I continue training. When you train, especially this crazy plan, you have to eat so much to fuel the run. I have not gained any weight but I haven't lost any either. My current efforts to lose had brought on a fatigue so bad I could barely get through my training runs. I also didn't lose even though I had cut back calories. I considered joining the weight loss challenge at work, but you had to have a BMI over 25. I can't even join that club. I guess I can't join the cool kids at work. If I quit training and cut back to 3-4 miles per day only five days a week I could scale back the calories and lose. I thought "well, people are trying to buy bibs to Paris. I could probably make some money."
Then I thought really hard about it. I remembered all the reasons I started this crazy shit. I remembered that running takes away the pain of my issues. I realized I just needed to get back to the fun of running and stop caring so much about split times. I'm not Kenyan and I've dreamed of Paris... big and small. Boys will come and go. My weight will fluctuate but I might never get into Paris again. I set out to run around the world and it's time to stop the pathetic pitty party and just keep going. Needless to say Sunday here in Boston we had snowmaggedon round 3 and I went out in the snow. So much fun and reminded me of what running could bring and the crazy adventures it leads too. I was one of those dumb asses on TV that ran in a blizzard and it was awesome. Then on Monday I tackled my long run and nailed it. Pitty parties happen to the best of us. Just cry and remember "Louis Vutton!"

Breaking point...

You love running. You can't imagine your life without it. You know it has made you a better person. You have proven 3 times over you are capable of what so few are. Then you hit a bad streak and question everything. I've been in training for less than a year, been on a running streak and gone through way to many pairs of sneakers. For the first time I questioned myself and thought "is this all still worth it?"

Maybe it's just burn out. I've been on a crazy training plan and having racking up the miles. In the past couple of months I've been running more miles per week then I ever have. I love the feeling of a long run but when your running multiple hours per day, you start to question your sanity. My legs are sore, actually my whole body is sore. Its actually more like pain. I'm tired all the time. I know it's an adjustment period when you increase mileage. My body is just getting used to it. It could also be the cold weather and record snow fall we have been receiving here in Boston. Running in the extreme weather can take a toll on you. It's possible I'm sore from that as well. Whatever the reason my be it's taken it's toll. For the first time in a long time I feel like I need a walker just to get around. 

Eating has been tough too. The amount of food I need to consume is taking a toll mentally. I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any recently and I was trying to shed a few pounds. I haven't been fueling properly and my running has really suffered. I know the answer is eating more and I'm trying but it's been tough on the old noggin. Your constantly worried about getting to big but you need to fuel to keep speed. It's such a mind fuck!

For the first time in a very long time I wanted to stop on my run this morning. It was a back to back long run morning and about 3/4 the way through I felt like stopping. I didn't because I'm way too stubborn for that and actually went longer. I felt I was barely moving but when I looked at my reflection it actually looked like I was moving. I think that's a sign of burn out. Tomorrow, weather permitting I'm taking an 18 mile run. I actually spent the day eating and resting. For the longest time I haven't felt like skipping a run so bad. I just keep asking myself "what am I doing?" I do feel like stopping. I'm sure it's a phase. I keep telling myself it's that time in training where it's grueling. I want to go to Paris but I keep wondering if I'm actually ready? I'm honestly scared I'm not prepared. I have never been this fast but it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe I just need sleep. 58 days until Paris and my nerves are getting the best of me. Like "crying and questioning my life" best of me. I don't think I've ever questioned myself this hard since training for Boston. It's too late now. 

A message for Valentines day... A real one!

So my last Valentine's day post was a joke, but today is a real one. Tomorrow is a day we either celebrate our love for one another or wear black, yell "Fuck Love!" and eat and drink and cry. So many hate this lovely day. Personally I love the fact I can wear pink and red together and not be miss matching. I think Valentine's day is a great day to celebrate friends, family and loved ones. Plus did I mention the color for the day is my two favorite colors. What girl doesn't love Pink!
To all those who were recently dumped or are sad they are alone I have a message for you guys. Sometimes that's the best gift of all. My running came from a broken heart. I felt rejected and unwanted. I was extremely depressed and had pretty much hit rock bottom. I couldn't see any light at the end of any tunnel. All of the passion for life had been sucked out of me. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I felt that there really wasn't much to live for. I was crying everyday, starving myself and looked a hot, crusty mess. I truly believed that I would never get married and have what so many others received. I felt I wasn't worthy of ever finding happiness because I believed that's where happiness came from.  Running at first was a way to shed the weight and then became my savior.
In being alone I discovered just how strong I could be. I found that I could do the impossible. When I started training for Boston I truly had no clue if I could even finish. The farther I ran, the more it changed me. It wasn't easy and I pushed myself harder than I ever had. Even now, running isn't easy. You have to push hard and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I would get out there and just keep trying to prove to myself I was worth something. In the end what I realized is that happiness has to come from yourself first, love has to come from yourself. Not from someone else. Once you learn to love who you are than you start to not care. Love becomes an amazing accessory rather than a need. You never actually need a Louis Vuitton, but it's nice to have (real or fake).
From loneliness, I found my strength and that's way better than an being stuck with an idiot! As the saying goes "I would rather be alone than stuck with this psychopath for the rest of my life!" Love that quote, have it on a magnet. I found a new passion and that I could achieve something only 1% of the population ever achieves once. I've done it 3 times and preparing for a fourth round in less than a year. Actually 1% is a lot of people considering there are billions of people. So many marathoners have stories just like my story. It's an honor to be amongst some amazing people.
LESS THAN 2 MONTHS until I descend on the most romantic city in the world. Maybe I'll meet a great French guy and this blog will change to "American runner in Paris.. Forever!" Honestly if there is anything I've taken away from this experience is that I don't need a man, I just need some Nike's and some spandex:). If the right one comes along great. If he doesn't I'm still going to have the most epic adventures running around this big globe, also known as Earth! to Paris with love. So no need to fall off the wagon eating chocolate, just go for a run and hug your friends!

Something's going wrong.... An early Valentine's day letter to my internal organs!

Dear Intestines,
We've been through a lot together. We have cried. We have laughed. We have danced and we have ran. We have had too much food. We have had way too much to drink. We have performed and we have completed two of the worlds biggest marathons. We are about to conquer one of the top three in the world. I no longer kill you with bad food like cookies, cake and mac & cheese from Kraft. I feed you healthy, organic food. I no longer put awful beer like Budwiser or even worse, Mad dog 20/20! We consume water and almond milk. I have given my life to running to keep you healthy. I have stopped dancing. SO Why the hell do you feel the need to play mosh pit when I push it on a run!
Look internal organs... I have bad news for you guys. This isn't going to stop! I'm sorry you inhabited a body with a brain that is Bat Shit crazy, but get over it. Clearly we aren't stopping. Even when you decide to play House of Pain and "Jump Around", I keep going! Read the sign "Homey Don't Play That!" I will get a sock with a tennis ball and hit you if you feel the need to continue. We only have 2 months to Paris and you need to cut the shit! Spending my nights laying on the bathroom floor unable to move is not how I see my life. I understand your excited once we get a good pace going but this is just ludicrous. I will not be slowed down due to your inability to to stay put.
I know this is a common injury, but it concerns me. I've never been this fast but I question my new found pace. Is my fastest 8:30 without getting ill? Do I just push it and be okay with being horribly sick after the run? I don't want to be discouraged but I'm getting a little scared. I'm not even sure how to prevent this from happening. All of the literature suggests rest. That's fine, but why does it keep happening? I can't seem to find any answers. Maybe once my body is used to the speed and intensity I'll be set. Maybe I should just be cool with a little blood loss. Either way, with only two months left and my impending long run, I guess I have no choice. 2 months to my epic Parisian adventure that hopefully will no longer be sidelined due to having intestines who act like teenagers!

2 months to Paris....

When I got my number, it seemed so far away. It seemed like a dream even though I had my number, confirmation email and started packing. In training, this is the time when mileage goes up and the struggle gets real. This is the time in your training that can make or break you. This is the most crucial time and the most important aspect is a level head. It really feels real now. I'm really running the Paris marathon in 2 months and the nerves just arrived.
In a little over a month I will take my last long run. That's really no far away. This time around I'm going to take a 22 mile run instead of 20. Training plans for faster marathon times all seem to have a longer run as the end before the taper. I figure I will just take it slow and get up to 22. I have been training extremely hard for this race and it all seems real now. This is extremely scary for me. This is my first international race and I haven't been running marathons for even a year yet. I did well in my half recently but a lot can happen in 26.2. I've dreamed of this city my whole life. I can't believe it's so close. In 2 months I will be running past every major landmark Paris is known for.
The problem lies within my own self confidence. I never feel ready. These next 2 months are crucial to my success and that's frightening. This is the time when you go all out on speed runs and take you long runs longer. We have had record snow fall here in Boston and running on a treadmill is inevitable. honestly though, I think it's helping my speed. I hate that damn thing but running as fast as I can has helped. Of course, anytime I can run outside, I'm in there like swimwear! Running around the city is calming. Plus with all this snow, no one is out. Today here in Boston out train system is shut down so no one is around. Perfect day for a long run! Nobody out and running in the street won't be suicidal. I want to break an 8 minute average pace per mile in Paris.
With 2 months to go there is so much to do. Learn important phrases in French like "Bib pick up" and "I would like you phone number (LOL)". Also need to perfect outfits, see when M83 is playing... Right now the focus is speed and how to build my endurance. Plus find adorable shoes and a spring jacket. I can't believe this is happening! I'm going to f%^king Paris!!!!

Power of music... Just not while I'm running:)

Lots of people run with music. I don't but we all have songs that we listen too that inspires us. I've been told I clearly run in my sleep. (I aperantly fall often too)! So when I'm listening to music on the train, of course I think about the run! So I thought I would share my before race and everyday list. Plus it probably shows an in-depth look into my psyche. 

Number 1 is, Chandelier by Sia. I know it has the little girl from dance moms, but that's not why. The words actually remind me about my past. It's about her addiction problems and drinking too much. When I listen too it I remember those days, waking up feeling like ass. Drinking the pain away and then in the morning dealing with the problems again. Which leads to morning beers. When I run (sometimes) I feel like I'm flying so it reminds me to just keep going. Puke from a hard run, not from bad beer!

Number 2, Out of the Woods by Taylor Swift. I know I'm way to old for her music but finally she came came over to pop and it's awesome! Love that girl. This song reminds me of my ex situation and how I feel I'm still stuck in it. Many days when I start my run from work, I feel like I'm running away from him. After all this time, I always ask myself are we finally out of the damn woods yet? He's one of the reasons I started running and still continues to motivate... Still!

Number 3- Take on Me by A-ha. I know, random! This one is pretty obvious. I race, take me on bitches! No back story, just run fat girl, run song!

Number 4- Running up that Hill by Placebo. Another obvious one. Run up the damn hill big butt! Plus you have to get over the hill in life too. We all have stuff we are trying to overcome. It can stand for so many things. Mine is my food issues and smoking. Mainly food issues. It's an everyday struggle. 

Number 5- 99 problems by Jay-Z. Hova!!! My favorite song! I got 99 problems and a better split time is one! Hit me! It's the perfect pre race song. Gets you in the zone!

Number 6- Midnight city by M83. All about Paris! Love that song. One of my favorite bands and clearly I'm a little obsessed with the city of love!

So those are the songs on April 12 I'll be listening too in athletes village... Under the Arc de Triumph!! 2 months!!!

I never changed... except my underwear!

Just because you look different doesn't mean you are different. Just because your size is different doesn't mean your brain changed. Chairs get bigger, clothes get smaller and distances don't seem as far but things are the same. Who you are as a person doesn't change just maybe your outlook on life does. Your goals, dreams and dinner plate maybe different but your general make up doesn't. Literally my day to day makeup look stayed the same. Despite all of this people seem to think that just because you look different, you are different. The person you were at size 22 is the same person you are in a girls medium. My clothes are actually not as tight as I used to wear them but my style has pretty much stayed the same. My hair may be a different color but that's because of health issues and bleach don't mix:(. I had no choice but to be a brunette. Someone said something a while back that has stayed with me. She had interviewed at the hospital I work at right before I started my journey. When you interview and apply for a fellowship it takes about two years before you start. When she saw me again she recognized me because I had the same makeup look as I did before. She thought it was me but wasn't sure. When she finally had the balls to ask, she was shocked like most and asked a ton of questions. I felt like it proved a point. Just because you lose weight doesn't mean your this completely different person. I personally think I don't look that much different than I did when I was heavy. Most people say that's not true but that's not the point. Who I am never changed. This was always me. I still love the same music. I'm still goofy and awkward. I still use the same soap and hair products. I still love the cat eye look for my eyeliner. I loved Forever21 then and now. I may wear knee boots a lot but I couldn't fit into them when I was heavier. I also still don't judge. I don't care how you live your life. We all only live once and you should live it to the fullest, how you want too.
My dreams may seem completely different now, but they're not. This was a silent dream I never believed possible. At 284lbs. I was realistic thinking a marathon was not possible. I was right. I was in no way able to run even a mile. After the doctor scare and an ass hat, I was able to do what was necessary to achieve that goal. Finally live out that silent dream I had held onto for so long. A dream that would make most laugh at me if I told them. Honestly I never thought I would make it through a 5k. Now I'm to cheap to sign up for one but that's neither here nor there. Training has made me a stronger person but I still have all those doubts and fears I had even before I lost the weight. Every time I hear there is a cut off time I'm so close to pooping my pants. I've never not made the cut off time but it scares the bejesus out of me. Knowing Paris like most marathons have a 6:30 cut off time freaks me out.
With all the fear that was there before, sometimes it's still hard to eat. I'm afraid it will all come back on with a cookie. It's not logical but it's my fear and I'm working on it. My favorite movie is still Napoleon Dynamite and Unicorns are my favorite animal. I love hard and my friends are still the world to me. I never wanted to change who I am just be healthy and finally live my dreams. I've lost so many people in my life because of my change and I always wonder "Where did everyone go?" I've also met a ton of great new people who accept me for who I am today. I also learned who would be there no matter what. Those people are the best! I will forever be me, forever awkward, forever goofy, forever girly... Forever Cheryl! Almost 2 months to the city I've always dreamed of.. heavy and thin!

The comparison game.. We all do it

Someone will always be faster, better looking, stronger, lighter... and the list goes on. Yet, for some reason we all do it. Someone will always be ahead of you in any aspect of life. The world record for a female marathon time was Paula Radcliff at the 2003 London Marathon. She ran 2:15:25 and no one has come within 3 minutes of her time, including Paula herself. Someday some female will beat her. Trust me it won't be me. It's good to look at others and strive to achieve new goals. Healthy competition is needed to succeed. So why on earth do people get on a grouchy face when someone is faster then them?
I'm starting this off by saying the truth. I'm not fast. I'm slightly decent for a recreational runner. I have yet to qualify for Boston and just recently finally ran an 8 min split in a race over 10 miles. I work my ass off but I know that I'm never going to the Olympics and never getting a Nike contract. Yet despite knowing in my heart that I'm never going to be amazing, once again my times made someone else feel bad. Yes she was being annoying. I may write a blog and tell everyone my silly stories of my run each day. That's the thing, they are silly stories and my diary of a time in my life that I never thought would be possible. Also, there are other things to talk about besides running (especially when your on a date). Now this wasn't my date, I would have dressed better. But I was in the room and it was mentioned after both were talking about training for Boston.
My Boston time was not impressive by any stretch of the imagination (4:19). For a first marathon with about 5 months of training, sure it's decent, nothing to be sour about. Actually none of my times are really that impressive. Maybe my last half wasn't too bad but other than that, I'm kinda slow. Unfortunately once basically all my times were announced (not by me), I was immediately persona non Grata. Yes, she had been going on and on about her previous races and all of the amazing things she had done. So I know this was an effort to shut her up but if she had been faster then me I would have asked for tips not given the "go to hell" face. I think surviving a marathon is a reason to celebrate. Be happy in your achievements. Yes I may have ran faster. Yes I only started about 1.5 years ago but guess what? Someone, actually a ton of someones are faster than me! Plus I looked like crap in sweats and no makeup. She had a leg up there!
The point is if you want to go faster, train harder. Or the alternative is enjoy the experience and have fun. Love what you do and run like no one is looking. Clearly I do because if you see my most recent race photos, clearly I'm running like no one is looking! Ugly running face has been achieved! In Paris, I hope for top 10,000, but if not, finishing a race like Paris is fucking amazing! Just to be let in and go is crazy enough. To be one of the 50,000 crazy awesome people on 4/12... CRAZY! Don't compare because it will drive you crazy. Everyday I strive to be better then myself, no one else. About 2 months! Holy Shit!

Yes.. I run everyday

So today another research article came out on why it's bad to run too often. Once again, it's all about heart disease and osteoarthritis. Congratulations researchers... You figured out something everyone already knew. I'm sure there was a large grant involved and countless surveys were answered. I'm sure there was a lot of interns in the UK who had to sift through medical records and do a lot of boring data entry all to write a paper already written. I've already touched base on my feelings and thoughts on the inevitable wear and tear running marathons has on the body. A lot of people always ask why I run everyday. Truth is I can't imagine not running everyday.
You will read of the runner's high. You do feel amazing after any exercise but I'm not sure if there is a specific runner's high. I think achieving goals can give you the same effect. I think running compared to a lot of sports is a lot more soothing once it becomes a habit. At first, yes it blows, but after a while it becomes like yoga for many. It becomes an escape from everything. It's all about breathing and keeping pace. Yes, it can be strenuous but in exercise, what isn't? For me this is how I either start my day or end it. During the week it's how I wind down from work. As everyone experiences, even if they love their job, it's still a job. Some people have a glass of wine, others watch t.v., I take a run. It's been the best form of relaxation I've ever found. Sometimes work for me can be stressful due to coworkers or the unfortunate realities of working in the medical profession. Taking a run can clear your mind and help you remember there's always tomorrow. On the weekends it's long run training and a perfect way to start the day. Plus living in a city you finally get away from all the people not paying attention on their cell phones who feel the need to knock into you.
Another reason I run everyday is for health reasons. Truth is it helps me eat. Many times people with an eating disorder will go to extreme athletics to keep the weight off. For me, that's not what it's about. I live for the run and the competition so I know I have to eat to keep going. I know I would actually be smaller if I stopped training but I love this and want to continue. Running forces me to be healthy versus running five days a week cutting back to 3-4 miles and going back on a less than 1,000 calorie diet. I'm not going to lie, I get tempted but I always have the next race planned.
One day I may go down in fiery flame (oh, let's be honest I'll just fall over) in the middle of a marathon. Hopefully it's after the finish line in London when I've ran my first sub 3 hour. Most likely it will be 3 miles in on Beacon street in Back Bay:(. Yes, running too much is bad for you but so is a lot of things. We all are human and do things that could possibly harm our bodies. We all only live once though and you should do what you love. Be happy everyone, that's the point! Almost 2 months to Paris! Holy shit it's coming quick!!