The Q&A session is over... The grilling game!

At least 3 times per week I still get asked "How did you do it?" People are always looking for the simple answer to better health. I usually use the line that best describes my truth. Everyone is different, find what works for you. Unfortunately no one likes this answer for some reason. If you have read this blog before than you know it was a rocky road from 287lbs to a children's sized marathon runner. I have a ton of issues but have learned how to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight. When I finally give them an answer, it's never what anyone wants to hear. So my question is, why ask?
I'm someone who is stubborn and relentless when it comes to my own goals. Probably a better description is obsessive to the point of crazy! I didn't just diet, I pretty much stopped eating. I didn't just kinda start running 5k's casually, I became a marathon runner. When I tell people I went down to 600 calories per day, they say that's crazy. No shit Sherlock! When I tell them you should never go down under 1200 calories per day they even look at me like I'm crazy. When I suggest healthier options compared to what their eating sometimes it gets combative. Here's the thing I don't understand, I didn't want to have this convo, so why get mad at it?
It's a tough road. I know I've been every size they make for a woman, literally. From size 26 to 00, it's a road that can really take a toll on you. I feel that everyone only lives once. This is my life that I'm living only once. I was seriously unhealthy and had to lose the weight to not have impending doom. If your healthy and happy, who gives a shit? If you want to get healthy there are some horrible truths that eating healthy and regular exercise are the key. Do you have to run marathons? Fuck no! But they are a lot of fun and can be addicting:).
I'm always happy to help but if your not ready don't blame the messenger. It sucks donkey balls at first but soon it becomes a habit like most things in life. I've taken it too far and have to deal with the consequences. There is a happy medium as with everything. I'm a huge advocate for exercise because I think it can improve everything. It makes you feel good about yourself and can boost self-confidence. Eating healthy can also have those affects and healthy doesn't always equal food tasting like butt. There are so many healthy options out there and you have to find what works for you!
It hurts to have people pissed when they asked the question and I really could give 2 shits what you do if your happy and healthy. I will be your personal cheerleader but not your punching bag. So next time you ask someone who has done what some people think is the impossible (which really isn't), be kind. You don't have to take their advice and you can totally call them names when they aren't around. Truth is, the former me would probably hate me!

Doing it for yourself! Paris 2015

People run marathons for a whole list of reasons. I would know, I did a research project in college on it. Literally the title was "Reasons people run marathons". We had 200 Boston marathon runners take a survey. Most people wanted to prove something. Shocker! I think that's how a lot of people start out. That's how I started. I wanted to prove to everyone I could take on the big bad Boston and complete it. I exceeded so many expectations. So after you have done one, what's there left to prove?
Boston I proved my point. I also lived out my dreams and joined the very few people to ever complete a marathon. I also learned how much I've been missing out on in life by not running. After I felt I needed to prove I wasn't a one trick pony. I signed up for another way to soon and got injured. Even after all that, I still did considerably well in Wakefield. That marathon left me with the "I can do better" feeling. In NYC I was out to prove that I could be a competitor. That's exactly what I proved. I trained smarter, ate better and got my sub 4 hour marathon. About 2 months after that, I finally had a good half marathon. So what is there left to prove? Everything!
Paris is all for me. Not only is a gift to myself but it's a chance to prove to myself that hard work pays off. I've trained so hard, been through enough and it's time to start living. Paris is a chance for me to finally put all the sadness to rest. It's almost a funeral for my former self. At the end of those 26.2 miles or 42.16481 kilometers (it is Europe), I feel like she's gone forever. A year later and 4 marathons down, I can finally say good bye to the person I used to be. While I probably will always feel like I need to lose more weight, I'm not anywhere near where I used to be. I may have A glass of wine once and a while, I'm no longer the drunk. I may not be able to lift socks, but I am an athlete. I used to be sad 24/7, now there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to dress horribly, now I take pride in my clothes. My hair is finally coming back and I eat right. Boston was to prove I could, Wakefield was to prove I could twice, NYC was to prove I could run and Paris is to prove she's gone.
34 days until I get rid of the pain. What a beautiful way to do it. I think everyone would want to have their memorial under the Effiel Tower! Don't you? The fashion capital of the world is not ready for this idiot! Ready or not here I come.

Blank Space... Don't know if I'm ready to write a name!

Sure, everyone wants to find someone they can share their life experiences with, cuddle on a cold Sunday afternoon and someone to help when you realize your stuck in your 14 wet layers of spandex and you need help getting them off. Having someone who understands you, encourages you and supports you. Unfortunately sometimes it's hard to find and for a runner obsessed with training it's even harder. (I've posted about that, no need to elaborate). Sometimes when you find yourself single, it's a good thing.
Take it from Taylor herself, she's single, having the time of her life and enjoying her friends. She's traveling and living her life the way she wants. If I only had her bank account.... Oh, the shenanigans and races that would happen. Right now I'm single and I'm actually pretty happy about it. Going to Paris, training 24/7 and enjoying my friends is so much better. I think that it may be hard to find someone considering my passion and goals but I've decided changing is not really an option. I was listening to this song and thought how right she is.
Being with someone to be with someone is just not for me. I've done it, lived it got the t-shirt and it wasn't fun. Many of my runs have been fueled by anger from a guy. While hitting a personal best after that scumbag did you wrong feels amazing, it's kind of wasted energy. Even though all of this was brought to you by an ass, it has taught me to stop settling for less. At this age if he is not enhancing your life then screw it. Once those tables turn then on back to being single. Some at my age have that biological clock ticking but I would rather hit the snooze then be stuck with someone who can't understand me or hurts me. Most marathoners don't have much time with training and all. I think about my crazy schedule and a romance would be nice but luckily not needed.
I've been hurt a lot and crushed. I lost 160lbs partly due to a broken heart. I became a runner to prove to myself that I am worth it and now that I feel sorta worth it I'm going to focus on me. I think sometimes women think they have value if they have a man. Sometimes a girl needs to find value in herself first. That has been a huge goal of mine for 2015. To see myself as someone who is worth it. Sometimes being alone and finding out who you really are is necessary. If he comes along then great, if not then I have a blank space! With only 37 days to Paris it's really hard to focus on anything else. To the Arc de Triumph!!!

The Final Countdown..... Paris!

Possibly the dumbest song, yet the funniest ever! Oh Job Bluth, your magic tricks are illusions! The final countdown has begun, for Paris! Still have to find the perfect outfit, get one more pair of sneakers and need that Carrie dress! While this will be the trip of a lifetime, there still is that lingering epic road race to be concerned with. Oh you know, that 26.2 mile (42.16481 kilometers, it is Europe!)journey to worry about, lose your shit and cry like a baby about. In training this is the most crucial time and really the last few weeks to make any progress before the race!
In a few weeks I will run my 22 miler. After that it's taper time and the end of hard core training. This doesn't mean you go slow and eat pizza, but after that there really isn't anything you can do. You still run but the mileage goes down and you freak out. The next few weeks will be crucial. No splurging food wise, no drinking and lots of running like a nut bag!this is also the time for me when my mind starts to slip into "I can't" mode. It's a double edged sword. I know this mentality always pushes me to perform but it messes with you big time. I'm always a complete crazy girl right before.
You would think at this point running that many miles would not scare me. This will be round 4 and after my last half I felt like I could have easily kept going. Truth is I feel stronger than ever. I've always trained like a psycho especially this round. Yet, that little voice in the back of my head says "this is it.. this is the time your going to fail!" I completely bombed the marathon in Wakefield, so it's not like I haven't shown up and sucked. The nerves are back though and the fear is there. What happens if I choke at mile 3? What if I blow my knee again? All of this stuff scares the bejesus out of me. Also, the threat of shitting my pants, especially in Paris, is always looming.
"Run Fat Girl, Run!!" will be going through my brain for the next few weeks. There will be many speed runs to burn out the crazy and long runs to remind myself I can make it. Reading Paris Vogue and trying to cram in conversational French is also on the menu. I can't believe it's almost here and I could not be more excited and scared shit less! Foch Avenue right in front of the Arc De Triumph is where it all starts and I will be there soon. To Paris with love and excitement!

#NEDA week, my struggle and how running saved me!

When your losing weight everyone compliments you. When you've gone too far everyone can see it. Nothing is so scary for someone then the possibility of the weight coming back on. So many struggle with these issues. It is an embarrassing topic for me, but in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, this is my story and what happened. First, you learn how to manage. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think I'm good and there are days I still feel I need to lose more. For me, it's hard to imagine that I've lost it all. I don't see the girl everyone else apparently sees. I see a girl who still needs to lose 30 pounds. They say it takes longer for the brain to register the weight loss. My brain is definitely taking its time.
When I was heavy, I never hid my eating. I ate what I wanted and drank whatever I wanted. I had grown up in a culture of food but hated to cook. I Loved McDonalds, take out pizza and Chinese food (the American version). When I went to the doctors, given the death sentence and started the diet, I actually was on a healthy path. I ate adequate calories, ate healthy home cooked meals and had a night off and enjoyed a splurge but not over the top. The weight was coming off in a normal, timely matter and I was feeling really good. Unfortunately, something happened in the guy department and things started spinning out of control.
I wanted the weight off faster. I was done with feeling awful about myself that really only came after dieting. I looked at what medical weight loss programs looked like and copied them without going through the actual surgical procedure. I cut back to about 600 to 800 calories per day. Pretty much no carbohydrates. Just fruits, vegetables and lean protein. I gave up red meat, soda and bread. I told myself that it was my fault I was so gross and this is your punishment. I felt weak but, with the amount of weight I still had to lose no one really noticed. My mood completely shifted as well. I was a complete mess. I cried about 3 times per day and had lost all my passion for life. All I cared about was getting the weight off. I wrote down everything that I ate. I still have notebooks full of what I ate, how I felt and notes on how ugly and fat I was. I was always feeling weak and sick. I always felt like I was on the verge of passing out. I went to the doctors and found out I was worse off then before. They sent me to therapy and I was diagnosed with anorexia but I thought they were full of shit. How could someone that big be anorexic I thought. I didn't take it seriously and things just got worse.
Needless to say this diet worked and about 7 months later I had lost about 110 pounds. Up until this point no one had really noticed my weight loss. That all changed. It was like night and day. Everyone saw the change felt the need to comment. Most people would have stopped there. I was a size 6 and looked like a normal 30 year old. for the first time in a long time I was in a single digit size. I actually felt pretty good at that point. I still had hair. I had a good feeling about myself and around this time I started running. I was jogging/walking about 2-3 miles 5 times per week and I was enjoying it but then shit hit the fan again. I couldn't shake the diet and continued to eat very little.
Eating so little plus running equaled a huge weight loss in a small amount of time. I was pretty much burning every calorie I consumed and became obsessed. My hair started to fall out, my eyes were sunken in and I looked and felt horrible. Everyone started to notice and were not very kind. People laughed behind my back and made mean comments. This actually fueled the fire even more. I thought "Well I'll show them, I'm still too fat to be anorexic!" Watching the concern with my family was also difficult. They could tell something was wrong. Inside I was so self conscious and my issues were consuming me. I couldn't see what everyone else saw, that I was hurting myself.
I was completely over my life and had really hit rock bottom. That's when everything changed. I got into the marathon and was about to do something I had always dreamed of but was to embarrassed to say. When I decided to run, it was at mid night and I basically felt I had 2 choices; run or be done. I obviously chose to run and my whole world changed. I got a new therapist who actually helped and an amazing nutritionist who has actually inspired me to go in that direction myself.
When I run, the pain goes away and I feel better. I fight to run. There are days when I want to throw in the towel, stop eating so much and diet down. Running gives me the hope to make healthy choices and enjoy life again. You can't run that much and not eat, just not going to happen. Running also taught me to not be so hard on myself and that no one is perfect. I never want to go back to being unhealthy in either direction and running has taught me how to do that. I'm still fighting the good fight and eventually it will be easier. I've come so far as it is and hopefully someday it will be okay. My hope is that if your struggling, know your not alone and never let anyone tell you your not worth it because you are. I let someone hurt me and will never let that happen again.
Paris is a gift to myself for my change. I'm sure most people think it's for the weight loss but it's for getting through the pain. Lot's of people say running this much is detrimental to your health but for me, it's for my mental health and sometimes that's all that matters. 49 days until I go to my dream city and have it all! Once again if you are struggling get help and know it's okay!

Being considered an Athlete is just weird!

I wasn't the best at sports as a child. When I was a dancer it was an art, even if it was art by using my body. As a person I consider myself girly and not really for rolling around in the mud. As a runner I've become comfortable with sweat, mud, snot rockets and spitting. I've become comfortable with the threat of competition and the love of racing. Actually I've become slightly obsessed with split times, speed runs and spandex. I had someone call me an athlete recently and I was taken aback by it. I was like "What, no, I'm not an athlete." But after thinking about, maybe I am.
When I was a dancer, I loved the physical part way more than the art behind it. I never really saw the true meaning behind the pieces. It always just either looked cool or stupid. When I got older and had to choreograph, I secretly laughed about everyone trying to find hidden meanings in my work. I would get back competition tapes and love to find out what these judges thought I was doing. Truth, I liked the music and advised my students to look constipated. I would tell them to eat a ton of cheese if they had to. I was way more interested in their form and the actual movement. I was known for crazy fast paced pieces and most of my students would say I tortured them. In tap I just love jazz music and loved the different rhythms you could make, plus how fast you could make them. I was always trying to be more flexible, turn more and tap faster.
Clearly with the running I always want to get faster and be more of a competitor. I'm constantly trying to push myself to get ahead regardless of how crazy it looks. I'm always pushing myself I'm sure to a fault. This is what athletes do, so maybe I am one? I'm not an elite clearly, will never be one but the thrill of a personal best is way better than any junk food or alcohol ever brought. The feeling of killing a long run or crushing my previous time by minutes after a race is the best ever. Truth is I was never an artist. To this day if I watch a dance I see the technique and the choreography not the meaning. I love sports and I'm always fascinated by the athleticism behind it. I'm probably one of the only people who watches a football game in silence. I'm always truly in awe of what it takes to perform. Don't get me wrong, I love art and music. I cannot wait to visit the Louvre and hopefully hit up a local music show.
At the end of the day I will push myself to the next level and hopefully get a Personal Best in Paris! Athlete or not I'm going to compete. Plus meet a French guy with fashion sense and never come home! 50 Days and I can't wait!

Time goes by... even when running!

We all get older. Things come and go. We love, we laugh and we fart. We lose touch with childhood friends. We start our careers, our families and have day to day mini dramas that encompass moving on and getting older. I've had some personal drama recently, nothing serious, just stupid shit. You know.. training isn't going as fast as I had hoped, boy crap.. the usual for a girl. Thanks to the power of social media, you read something that brings you right back to who you were at a different time.
I've been on a strange trip through marathon land. My life has completely changed in the past couple of years and had friends come and go. Through running, I've learned how to deal with life's past and present challenges. When I read what happened to an old friend I realized how thankful I should be for my life changes and to still be here living.
Sure certain things are still going to bother me, I'm a girl. It does feel like no matter what happens recently after a hard core run things are better. The one thing I don't do often is reflect on the past. Today I started thinking about all the times I had with this person and how much I actually missed those times. This happens to everyone. Sometimes it's good to look back though and remember the good times.
 I've put so much of the past behind me and vowed to never look back. My goal is to only look forward and never be concerned with what happened yesterday because there's always tomorrow. Cue up the Annie! Maybe it's good to look back so we can appreciate how far we have come and keep focus on the future. I'm living such a weird crazy life now that most people can't even imagine. Actually for the first time yesterday, I actually felt like a real athlete. Not in the sense of sponsorship and headed to Rio, but that I train for an athletic event. I'm still slow, I totally get that but yesterday was a weird feeling of "hey I might actually be athletic."
I'm really fucking lucky and don't think for a second I don't know that. Everyday I'm super thankful for the life I have and to be able to run around in spandex scarring the citizens of Suffolk County (Boston). After reading this passage on the good old Facebook, I took a second to think about the past and realized how much everything has changed. This person used to love a certain style of shirt and I wore one in honor of her. I paired with a fluffy skirt and pointy toe flats but that's neither here nor there. I'm thankful to go to Paris and continue living the dream. A crazy dream only 1% of the population engages in apparently.

When you question your training... train harder!

Why doesn't my hair look like that when I'm running? Oh that's right, I'm not trying to take a picture:). For about 3 1/2 months I've been on a new training program. More miles, more speed and more hills. I wasn't quite sure if it was working. I hadn't seen the results I thought I would. I figured I would be faster by now. I started to become paranoid and over analyzing every run. Could I have gone faster? Did I push myself? Was there enough hills? This was clearly not healthy! Once I looked at from a sane perspective, I had achieved more.
 I shaved 32 seconds off my split time from NYC to my NYC half in 2 months. That may not seem like a lot but it actually is. Plus feeling like ass that morning makes me question was that really my best? I can tell you the answer is no. Doing speed workouts on that awful treadmill an 8 minute split felt pretty easy. Let me put that into perspective. I wasn't pushing it. Most of the time I was doing a 7:30 split time. I also know from my training runs I have been clocking under 8 so I'm right where I wanted to be. Now, I'm not jinxing jack shit. I know I could show up to Paris and perform like crap. Hence my half.
The goal now, being so close but still in the time frame to enhance my performance, to push harder. Faster speed running and faster pace runs. Maybe amp up the mileage (who am I kidding, of course I will!). I'm also going to look at my diet and see what I can do for better performance. I want to know I did everything I possibly could in the amount of time I had for the best results. I would also like to avoid the usual... Shiting my pants, nipple bleeds, chafing in any area, black toe and I would love for my hair to like the picture throughout the race.
Paris is only 51 days away and it's close but far. If I screw up there will be other races. This race is for me though. After dreaming of this city forever, I want to go in and compete strong. I want this to be the adventure of a lifetime and if I have to spend a few nights on the bathroom floor because I can't move... then qualify for Boston (instead get into London), then it's totally worth it! Plus find a French guy with a great fashion sense, find the perfect job and never come back. Yeah, I have big dreams:)! Au revoir!

Plus sized for a runner... Why does it matter?

When looking at the sizes of the elite runners, I realized I weigh a lot more than them. Even though I look like I weigh 100lbs soaking wet.. I don't. In races I've seen girls larger than me killing it and finishing faster than me. There are so many articles on losing weight with running and smaller = faster. Is being the smallest you can be really the key to success? Or, are these girls who get paid to run hundreds of miles per week just that small due to the amount of miles? I think every runner who competes even on a recreational level questions this. According to these lovely ladies stats online, I'm plus sized in the venue of competitive running.
For me this has only to do with running. If your not a complete bat shit crazy runner, who gives a shit what your size or weight it. As long as your healthy and happy... own it! Unfortunately for me who wants to be the fastest I can be, this becomes an issue. I've stayed in the same ball park weight throughout all 3 of my marathons. I'm still at the weight as I get closer to Paris. I know that my disgusting habit of smoking contributes to my turtle pace but is my weight also an issue. Of course my nutritionist and therapist say "fuck no!" but they also look at my BMI and getting me sane. They are not really concerned about my pace per mile.
They all say I'm pure muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle I've obtained but, if I was smaller would I go faster? It makes sense, the less load you have to carry 26.2 miles, the easier it will be. As anyone will tell you, it's hard to lose in training. Maybe the real key is to run more miles. I've tried everything and I actually eat a lot less than the elites do. I also have a full time job and can't run a marathon every day. Maybe it is all about training. Maybe until Nike signed my ass and I can run full time then I have to be happy with my slow progression. Either way I will do everything I can to succeed.
Only 53 days until my Parisian dream comes true. What my end result will be... 4/12/15 we shall find out. I'm still feel not completely ready but I have some time. Hopefully I'll find a great outfit and I hairstyle that will actually stay put! Hopefully I won't shit my pants and be happy with my time. Looking like an ass in Paris is not the goal!

A recreational runner... Being slow is ok right?

Giving up or giving in has never been an option. Even full of self doubt, I get out there everyday and run the mileage. Some days are faster than others. I give my new found hobby 110% and leave it on the streets. There are days though.. I wish I could be faster! I think every runner has self doubt and maybe that's what motivates us all to do better and train harder. Recently I hit the "wall" mentally. I couldn't figure out why. Was it burn out? Was I eating enough? Really at the end of the day, I knew what the problem was.. My self consciousness has finally come back to haunt me.
I know I'm slow, I'm new. I haven't even made it through a year of marathon training. Before that I barely made it through a 5k. I know I have a long way to go. Most people started their journey's back in their teens or even before. I started running when I was 29. We can all get caught up reading about others and their success stories. I even wrote a blog about comparisons. For me, I know the problem is myself. I still feel self-conscious running the streets of Boston. I'm in the city of qualifiers! So many here are running 7 minute miles on the regular. My fastest race pace is 8. I've been challenged silently on the street before and it is kinda fun. Especially with the college kids. Clearly they are like "I can totally kick the slow old ladies ass!"
I think this has become a problem for me because I'm pushing myself harder than ever and I feel like I'm not see much of a result. Maybe I am, it's hard to tell. My last half was a personal best. I shaved off 35 seconds on my pace per mile. I'm hoping by Paris for a full minute off that. It won't happen, but it's a goal to strive for. When I run outside sometimes I'm embarrassed. It's something I have to get out of my head. While it may be the driving force, it's not the greatest habit. the good thing about snowmaggedon here in Boston is that the snowbanks are so high that if I run on the sidewalk... You can't see me.
With Paris 54 days away I know the competition will be fierce. Going off in a low wave scares the bejesus out of me. Hopefully I can hang with that crew. If my half is any indication, then yes. If that was a fluke then I'm fucked:(. At least I'll be in a beautiful city to drown my sorrows!

Getting Back to the Reason... Paris!

You hit a mental wall then break out of it by remembering the goal. Paris! The fashion capitol, the city of love and the place you have dreamed of all your life. There are so many reasons to go to Paris. I would love for someone to think of a reason not to go to Paris. Just to stand in front of the Effiel Tower and bask in its beauty is a reason to push harder than you ever have. To run and be accepted to run in the most beautiful city in the world is a reason enough for a grueling winter full of numb extremities and crazy training injuries!
Sometimes through all the mini dramas of life we have to step back and look at the big picture. That big picture being the Louis Vuitton spring line or CHANEL bags. Going to the city where these pieces that I believe is art originated is crazy. So many up and coming designers as well will be amazing to see up close and personal. Walking the streets and seeing French street style all around you is something I cannot fathom. Definitely looking forward to tiny museums, little cafes and people watching. Just to be there and be a part of the culture almost brings me to tears.
I love cities. Growing up in a small town will have that effect on you. Dreaming of what else is out there. All the different people, languages and culture fascinates me. Definitely going to hit up some Paris nightlife, got to see what the kids are doing. Hoping M83 is in town (one of my favorite bands)! Heels may be off the menu for a few days after the marathon, but we can rock some cute flats. I've decided to run my 22 miler in NYC. 3+ loops around Central Park, plus stock up on Canal street with cheap fashion accessories. Cute sunglasses, already have the perfect handbags and some essential clothing pieces to perfect the look. You have to do your once in a lifetime trip perfectly!
Trust me.. I haven't forgotten the tiny race in the middle of the trip. I'm back on board with my training and I want to walk away with a personal best. Have my diet back on point and I have decided that absolutely nothing is going to ruin my dream! I may question everything, but I will fight my own demons for Paris. In this stage in the game, training is always grueling. This is when the mileage is the most and the weather here in Boston has not treated us so kindly. I have fallen, forced into the gym and freeze my ass off. I know when I cross that finish line at the Arc de Triumph it will be all worth it and I won't remember my hands in pain and losing feeling. 54 Days until the most epic race of a lifetime! To Paris with love!

How do you keep going when you want to stop...

I'm not sure if it is burnout or if I'm tired. I'm not sure if training for almost a year has caught up to me. I'm not sure if my ass has just gotten lazy. Like the picture says.. It's time to put on my big girl pants! With less than 2 months to Paris, the pitty party needs to stop. I needed to sit back and remember why I started all the crazy madness in the first place. I've proven I'm capable of at least finishing the marathon. I've had faster times in every race I've done. That's really not tough considering the short time frame. I sat back and remembered where I began and where I wanted to go.
Training has been insane for Paris. I wanted to get faster in a pretty short amount of time. This past Saturday I went out on a longer run. I was contemplating taking my really long for the week and I barely made it through my long/medium route. It was a huge blow because that hasn't happened in since training for Wakefield. I came home and thought "What is wrong with me?" I was sore from Head to toe and I was just not into it. I've been having thoughts of quiting for a while, and this scares me. I've wanted this for so long but I also don't want to be beast woman forever. I realized all of this complaining and girly stupidity derived from an exercise via therapy. I'm supposed to be looking in the mirror more. I guess my mind has not caught up to my body yet on my changes. Honestly all I was seeing was somebody I had never met.
I saw a girl who is all muscle and is bumpy. I thought "yep, you still need to lose about 30 lbs.". I know in my heart that won't be possible if I continue training. When you train, especially this crazy plan, you have to eat so much to fuel the run. I have not gained any weight but I haven't lost any either. My current efforts to lose had brought on a fatigue so bad I could barely get through my training runs. I also didn't lose even though I had cut back calories. I considered joining the weight loss challenge at work, but you had to have a BMI over 25. I can't even join that club. I guess I can't join the cool kids at work. If I quit training and cut back to 3-4 miles per day only five days a week I could scale back the calories and lose. I thought "well, people are trying to buy bibs to Paris. I could probably make some money."
Then I thought really hard about it. I remembered all the reasons I started this crazy shit. I remembered that running takes away the pain of my issues. I realized I just needed to get back to the fun of running and stop caring so much about split times. I'm not Kenyan and I've dreamed of Paris... big and small. Boys will come and go. My weight will fluctuate but I might never get into Paris again. I set out to run around the world and it's time to stop the pathetic pitty party and just keep going. Needless to say Sunday here in Boston we had snowmaggedon round 3 and I went out in the snow. So much fun and reminded me of what running could bring and the crazy adventures it leads too. I was one of those dumb asses on TV that ran in a blizzard and it was awesome. Then on Monday I tackled my long run and nailed it. Pitty parties happen to the best of us. Just cry and remember "Louis Vutton!"

A message for Valentines day... A real one!

So my last Valentine's day post was a joke, but today is a real one. Tomorrow is a day we either celebrate our love for one another or wear black, yell "Fuck Love!" and eat and drink and cry. So many hate this lovely day. Personally I love the fact I can wear pink and red together and not be miss matching. I think Valentine's day is a great day to celebrate friends, family and loved ones. Plus did I mention the color for the day is my two favorite colors. What girl doesn't love Pink!
To all those who were recently dumped or are sad they are alone I have a message for you guys. Sometimes that's the best gift of all. My running came from a broken heart. I felt rejected and unwanted. I was extremely depressed and had pretty much hit rock bottom. I couldn't see any light at the end of any tunnel. All of the passion for life had been sucked out of me. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I felt that there really wasn't much to live for. I was crying everyday, starving myself and looked a hot, crusty mess. I truly believed that I would never get married and have what so many others received. I felt I wasn't worthy of ever finding happiness because I believed that's where happiness came from.  Running at first was a way to shed the weight and then became my savior.
In being alone I discovered just how strong I could be. I found that I could do the impossible. When I started training for Boston I truly had no clue if I could even finish. The farther I ran, the more it changed me. It wasn't easy and I pushed myself harder than I ever had. Even now, running isn't easy. You have to push hard and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I would get out there and just keep trying to prove to myself I was worth something. In the end what I realized is that happiness has to come from yourself first, love has to come from yourself. Not from someone else. Once you learn to love who you are than you start to not care. Love becomes an amazing accessory rather than a need. You never actually need a Louis Vuitton, but it's nice to have (real or fake).
From loneliness, I found my strength and that's way better than an being stuck with an idiot! As the saying goes "I would rather be alone than stuck with this psychopath for the rest of my life!" Love that quote, have it on a magnet. I found a new passion and that I could achieve something only 1% of the population ever achieves once. I've done it 3 times and preparing for a fourth round in less than a year. Actually 1% is a lot of people considering there are billions of people. So many marathoners have stories just like my story. It's an honor to be amongst some amazing people.
LESS THAN 2 MONTHS until I descend on the most romantic city in the world. Maybe I'll meet a great French guy and this blog will change to "American runner in Paris.. Forever!" Honestly if there is anything I've taken away from this experience is that I don't need a man, I just need some Nike's and some spandex:). If the right one comes along great. If he doesn't I'm still going to have the most epic adventures running around this big globe, also known as Earth! to Paris with love. So no need to fall off the wagon eating chocolate, just go for a run and hug your friends!

Something's going wrong.... An early Valentine's day letter to my internal organs!

Dear Intestines,
We've been through a lot together. We have cried. We have laughed. We have danced and we have ran. We have had too much food. We have had way too much to drink. We have performed and we have completed two of the worlds biggest marathons. We are about to conquer one of the top three in the world. I no longer kill you with bad food like cookies, cake and mac & cheese from Kraft. I feed you healthy, organic food. I no longer put awful beer like Budwiser or even worse, Mad dog 20/20! We consume water and almond milk. I have given my life to running to keep you healthy. I have stopped dancing. SO Why the hell do you feel the need to play mosh pit when I push it on a run!
Look internal organs... I have bad news for you guys. This isn't going to stop! I'm sorry you inhabited a body with a brain that is Bat Shit crazy, but get over it. Clearly we aren't stopping. Even when you decide to play House of Pain and "Jump Around", I keep going! Read the sign "Homey Don't Play That!" I will get a sock with a tennis ball and hit you if you feel the need to continue. We only have 2 months to Paris and you need to cut the shit! Spending my nights laying on the bathroom floor unable to move is not how I see my life. I understand your excited once we get a good pace going but this is just ludicrous. I will not be slowed down due to your inability to to stay put.
I know this is a common injury, but it concerns me. I've never been this fast but I question my new found pace. Is my fastest 8:30 without getting ill? Do I just push it and be okay with being horribly sick after the run? I don't want to be discouraged but I'm getting a little scared. I'm not even sure how to prevent this from happening. All of the literature suggests rest. That's fine, but why does it keep happening? I can't seem to find any answers. Maybe once my body is used to the speed and intensity I'll be set. Maybe I should just be cool with a little blood loss. Either way, with only two months left and my impending long run, I guess I have no choice. 2 months to my epic Parisian adventure that hopefully will no longer be sidelined due to having intestines who act like teenagers!

2 months to Paris....

When I got my number, it seemed so far away. It seemed like a dream even though I had my number, confirmation email and started packing. In training, this is the time when mileage goes up and the struggle gets real. This is the time in your training that can make or break you. This is the most crucial time and the most important aspect is a level head. It really feels real now. I'm really running the Paris marathon in 2 months and the nerves just arrived.
In a little over a month I will take my last long run. That's really no far away. This time around I'm going to take a 22 mile run instead of 20. Training plans for faster marathon times all seem to have a longer run as the end before the taper. I figure I will just take it slow and get up to 22. I have been training extremely hard for this race and it all seems real now. This is extremely scary for me. This is my first international race and I haven't been running marathons for even a year yet. I did well in my half recently but a lot can happen in 26.2. I've dreamed of this city my whole life. I can't believe it's so close. In 2 months I will be running past every major landmark Paris is known for.
The problem lies within my own self confidence. I never feel ready. These next 2 months are crucial to my success and that's frightening. This is the time when you go all out on speed runs and take you long runs longer. We have had record snow fall here in Boston and running on a treadmill is inevitable. honestly though, I think it's helping my speed. I hate that damn thing but running as fast as I can has helped. Of course, anytime I can run outside, I'm in there like swimwear! Running around the city is calming. Plus with all this snow, no one is out. Today here in Boston out train system is shut down so no one is around. Perfect day for a long run! Nobody out and running in the street won't be suicidal. I want to break an 8 minute average pace per mile in Paris.
With 2 months to go there is so much to do. Learn important phrases in French like "Bib pick up" and "I would like you phone number (LOL)". Also need to perfect outfits, see when M83 is playing... Right now the focus is speed and how to build my endurance. Plus find adorable shoes and a spring jacket. I can't believe this is happening! I'm going to f%^king Paris!!!!

Getting Specific... 4 months! Marathon de Paris

When I trained for Boston, it was all about the hills. It was my first and all you ever hear about is "Heart Break Hill". So hill training was on the menu. Wakefield was a wild card and I just kept with the same plan for Boston. NYC is all about the bridges so I took my butt all over town up and over bridges. Nothing prepared me for the wind tunnel but I'm not sure anything can:). I've never really trained for a half because I'm always in training for a full. With only 4 months to go before Paris, it's time to make the plan of attack.
Everything I've read about Paris is that it's beautiful. Either it's easy so you enjoy the scenery or it really is so amazing you don't notice that your feet are bleeding. From the elevation chart above it's like any one of the major races, not easy. Everyone swore up and down that New York was flat but trust me it's not. Seeing that it takes on average 6 hours for a beginner/charity runner, I knew not to believe the hype. They clearly made that route in NYC to be challenging. I'm glad I went in believing expect the unexpected because it helped big time. There does seem to be a huge down hill in the middle of Paris but that could be misleading. Plus there is clearly a huge uphill at mile 22 and unfortunately this is where I always seem to choke.
My plan of attack; endurance. I'm starting to consider a training plan that involves a 22 mile run at the end instead of 20. I've seen training plans online in the major publications. This might be my best bet in order to cure the 22 mile funk. I will most likely go out 135 again (Boston) and I will hit heart break hill just to get the feel of fatigue. Hill training seems to be the way to go again for this Parisian adventure. Plus my other goal is to learn how to drink and run at the same time. I really hate the sting of Gatorade up my nose. Longer runs with hills and drinking while running is the game plan! A little DWR on a Sunday morning!
26.2 miles is a long way and anything can happen. The next 3.5 months will be put up or shut up time. Snow, rain wind and pedestrian training is what I have to look forward to. Plus buying the Sea foam dress that Carrie wore when Big told her she's the one. Paris will be hard and hopefully I will get there and just leave it on the field. I can't wait to run this course after reading the reviews. It sounds like a mix of a party and an architectural foot tour. Of course it is, it's f*#king Paris! 115 days!!

Running Paris... It kinda just hit me!

You go out everyday and hit the pavement. On your run you think about what happened during the day, what you have to do in the evening and what your going to wear tomorrow. You eat your training diet, go to work and focus on the mini dramas also known as life. When people ask about your next race you answer "I'm running Paris." Everyone looks a surprised and then the conversation launches into how cool it is. It's in about 4 months and feels far away, but today while looking at new luggage it finally hit. I'm running Paris.
Maybe because NYC now feels like a distant memory. A goal that's already been achieved. It's an amazing feeling to realize "This is really happening!" I have a number and receive the emails in both French and English. I was even sent an email today to remind me to buy my "I'm training for Marathon de Paris" t-shirt. It's 40$ and by the time it gets to me I will have probably done my 20 miler. The weight of this next race doesn't feel like weight at all. Today I felt butterflies just thinking about the race. To see the sights and to be part of something I never dreamed of is blowing my mind. I even saw the teaser video and started to cry. This girl who used to be an overweight slug is 4 months away from running the Paris marathon. I'm going to run under the Effiel Tower, past Notre Dame and Finish at the Arc de Triumph. Experience all these amazing landmarks for the first time. Plus crazy bragging rights forever doesn't hurt!
So much to focus on; what to pack, what to wear, pace times and passport photos. Hopefully the next 4 months will be injury free. I know that if I feel down I can always remember "Your running Paris". It's officially time to get pumped. It's time to make packing lists. It's time to take every precaution and focus on the big race. I will probably cry a lot more and watch a lot of French films. Time to learn French and find that damn outfit. One gripe, red running shorts and a black and white stripped tank top should not be this hard to find! 121 days and It's coming quick! Paris ready or not here I come!

Time for those 2016 resolutions... Boys

So I could go with the real obvious. Kill it in Paris, return to NYC or get into Chicago, personal best on a half, lose 10lbs, Boston blah blah blah... Truth is for 2016 I want to not make a bad guy mistake and screw with my training. The bad diet started with a bad guy moment then got worse from another.

I lost weight at first due to health reasons, then it all got out of hand due to a boy. I started the whole "let's eat 500 calories a day." because of a guy. My heart was broken and my mind was a mess. All the weight came off but, I was a mess and extremely breakable. That's when I met the next who took it to a whole new level of crazy.

Truth is I wasn't ready for a relationship but he was the first to make me feel pretty after the weight loss. He was off the charts nuts but great looking. I took the plunge because  for the first time I was wanted for my looks not my personality. That sounds awful just writing it! I had just started running but was not in training yet. My goal was to get smaller not become a better runner. I was still eating very little but running more and this is when I started to look really bad. Well let me tell you it got real crazy real quick but I still came back a few times in the hopes he could change. Yeah.. That never happens. 

What I've come to realize is you can't find happiness in what some guy thinks about you. Only you can make yourself feel good about yourself. So for 2016, feel good about myself first and boys come after that. Boys are lovely but I'm going to focus on liking myself again. Plus the obvious.. Paris!! Hopefully Chicago, maybe London?? NYC? Yeah long list:). I may not be pretty or fast but I will keep going and continue doing me, the healthy way. Paris... 122 days!!!