The Q&A session is over... The grilling game!

At least 3 times per week I still get asked "How did you do it?" People are always looking for the simple answer to better health. I usually use the line that best describes my truth. Everyone is different, find what works for you. Unfortunately no one likes this answer for some reason. If you have read this blog before than you know it was a rocky road from 287lbs to a children's sized marathon runner. I have a ton of issues but have learned how to be healthy and maintain a healthy weight. When I finally give them an answer, it's never what anyone wants to hear. So my question is, why ask?
I'm someone who is stubborn and relentless when it comes to my own goals. Probably a better description is obsessive to the point of crazy! I didn't just diet, I pretty much stopped eating. I didn't just kinda start running 5k's casually, I became a marathon runner. When I tell people I went down to 600 calories per day, they say that's crazy. No shit Sherlock! When I tell them you should never go down under 1200 calories per day they even look at me like I'm crazy. When I suggest healthier options compared to what their eating sometimes it gets combative. Here's the thing I don't understand, I didn't want to have this convo, so why get mad at it?
It's a tough road. I know I've been every size they make for a woman, literally. From size 26 to 00, it's a road that can really take a toll on you. I feel that everyone only lives once. This is my life that I'm living only once. I was seriously unhealthy and had to lose the weight to not have impending doom. If your healthy and happy, who gives a shit? If you want to get healthy there are some horrible truths that eating healthy and regular exercise are the key. Do you have to run marathons? Fuck no! But they are a lot of fun and can be addicting:).
I'm always happy to help but if your not ready don't blame the messenger. It sucks donkey balls at first but soon it becomes a habit like most things in life. I've taken it too far and have to deal with the consequences. There is a happy medium as with everything. I'm a huge advocate for exercise because I think it can improve everything. It makes you feel good about yourself and can boost self-confidence. Eating healthy can also have those affects and healthy doesn't always equal food tasting like butt. There are so many healthy options out there and you have to find what works for you!
It hurts to have people pissed when they asked the question and I really could give 2 shits what you do if your happy and healthy. I will be your personal cheerleader but not your punching bag. So next time you ask someone who has done what some people think is the impossible (which really isn't), be kind. You don't have to take their advice and you can totally call them names when they aren't around. Truth is, the former me would probably hate me!

Doing it for yourself! Paris 2015

People run marathons for a whole list of reasons. I would know, I did a research project in college on it. Literally the title was "Reasons people run marathons". We had 200 Boston marathon runners take a survey. Most people wanted to prove something. Shocker! I think that's how a lot of people start out. That's how I started. I wanted to prove to everyone I could take on the big bad Boston and complete it. I exceeded so many expectations. So after you have done one, what's there left to prove?
Boston I proved my point. I also lived out my dreams and joined the very few people to ever complete a marathon. I also learned how much I've been missing out on in life by not running. After I felt I needed to prove I wasn't a one trick pony. I signed up for another way to soon and got injured. Even after all that, I still did considerably well in Wakefield. That marathon left me with the "I can do better" feeling. In NYC I was out to prove that I could be a competitor. That's exactly what I proved. I trained smarter, ate better and got my sub 4 hour marathon. About 2 months after that, I finally had a good half marathon. So what is there left to prove? Everything!
Paris is all for me. Not only is a gift to myself but it's a chance to prove to myself that hard work pays off. I've trained so hard, been through enough and it's time to start living. Paris is a chance for me to finally put all the sadness to rest. It's almost a funeral for my former self. At the end of those 26.2 miles or 42.16481 kilometers (it is Europe), I feel like she's gone forever. A year later and 4 marathons down, I can finally say good bye to the person I used to be. While I probably will always feel like I need to lose more weight, I'm not anywhere near where I used to be. I may have A glass of wine once and a while, I'm no longer the drunk. I may not be able to lift socks, but I am an athlete. I used to be sad 24/7, now there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I used to dress horribly, now I take pride in my clothes. My hair is finally coming back and I eat right. Boston was to prove I could, Wakefield was to prove I could twice, NYC was to prove I could run and Paris is to prove she's gone.
34 days until I get rid of the pain. What a beautiful way to do it. I think everyone would want to have their memorial under the Effiel Tower! Don't you? The fashion capital of the world is not ready for this idiot! Ready or not here I come.

#NEDA week, my struggle and how running saved me!

When your losing weight everyone compliments you. When you've gone too far everyone can see it. Nothing is so scary for someone then the possibility of the weight coming back on. So many struggle with these issues. It is an embarrassing topic for me, but in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, this is my story and what happened. First, you learn how to manage. I have good days and bad days. There are days when I think I'm good and there are days I still feel I need to lose more. For me, it's hard to imagine that I've lost it all. I don't see the girl everyone else apparently sees. I see a girl who still needs to lose 30 pounds. They say it takes longer for the brain to register the weight loss. My brain is definitely taking its time.
When I was heavy, I never hid my eating. I ate what I wanted and drank whatever I wanted. I had grown up in a culture of food but hated to cook. I Loved McDonalds, take out pizza and Chinese food (the American version). When I went to the doctors, given the death sentence and started the diet, I actually was on a healthy path. I ate adequate calories, ate healthy home cooked meals and had a night off and enjoyed a splurge but not over the top. The weight was coming off in a normal, timely matter and I was feeling really good. Unfortunately, something happened in the guy department and things started spinning out of control.
I wanted the weight off faster. I was done with feeling awful about myself that really only came after dieting. I looked at what medical weight loss programs looked like and copied them without going through the actual surgical procedure. I cut back to about 600 to 800 calories per day. Pretty much no carbohydrates. Just fruits, vegetables and lean protein. I gave up red meat, soda and bread. I told myself that it was my fault I was so gross and this is your punishment. I felt weak but, with the amount of weight I still had to lose no one really noticed. My mood completely shifted as well. I was a complete mess. I cried about 3 times per day and had lost all my passion for life. All I cared about was getting the weight off. I wrote down everything that I ate. I still have notebooks full of what I ate, how I felt and notes on how ugly and fat I was. I was always feeling weak and sick. I always felt like I was on the verge of passing out. I went to the doctors and found out I was worse off then before. They sent me to therapy and I was diagnosed with anorexia but I thought they were full of shit. How could someone that big be anorexic I thought. I didn't take it seriously and things just got worse.
Needless to say this diet worked and about 7 months later I had lost about 110 pounds. Up until this point no one had really noticed my weight loss. That all changed. It was like night and day. Everyone saw the change felt the need to comment. Most people would have stopped there. I was a size 6 and looked like a normal 30 year old. for the first time in a long time I was in a single digit size. I actually felt pretty good at that point. I still had hair. I had a good feeling about myself and around this time I started running. I was jogging/walking about 2-3 miles 5 times per week and I was enjoying it but then shit hit the fan again. I couldn't shake the diet and continued to eat very little.
Eating so little plus running equaled a huge weight loss in a small amount of time. I was pretty much burning every calorie I consumed and became obsessed. My hair started to fall out, my eyes were sunken in and I looked and felt horrible. Everyone started to notice and were not very kind. People laughed behind my back and made mean comments. This actually fueled the fire even more. I thought "Well I'll show them, I'm still too fat to be anorexic!" Watching the concern with my family was also difficult. They could tell something was wrong. Inside I was so self conscious and my issues were consuming me. I couldn't see what everyone else saw, that I was hurting myself.
I was completely over my life and had really hit rock bottom. That's when everything changed. I got into the marathon and was about to do something I had always dreamed of but was to embarrassed to say. When I decided to run, it was at mid night and I basically felt I had 2 choices; run or be done. I obviously chose to run and my whole world changed. I got a new therapist who actually helped and an amazing nutritionist who has actually inspired me to go in that direction myself.
When I run, the pain goes away and I feel better. I fight to run. There are days when I want to throw in the towel, stop eating so much and diet down. Running gives me the hope to make healthy choices and enjoy life again. You can't run that much and not eat, just not going to happen. Running also taught me to not be so hard on myself and that no one is perfect. I never want to go back to being unhealthy in either direction and running has taught me how to do that. I'm still fighting the good fight and eventually it will be easier. I've come so far as it is and hopefully someday it will be okay. My hope is that if your struggling, know your not alone and never let anyone tell you your not worth it because you are. I let someone hurt me and will never let that happen again.
Paris is a gift to myself for my change. I'm sure most people think it's for the weight loss but it's for getting through the pain. Lot's of people say running this much is detrimental to your health but for me, it's for my mental health and sometimes that's all that matters. 49 days until I go to my dream city and have it all! Once again if you are struggling get help and know it's okay!

Plus sized for a runner... Why does it matter?

When looking at the sizes of the elite runners, I realized I weigh a lot more than them. Even though I look like I weigh 100lbs soaking wet.. I don't. In races I've seen girls larger than me killing it and finishing faster than me. There are so many articles on losing weight with running and smaller = faster. Is being the smallest you can be really the key to success? Or, are these girls who get paid to run hundreds of miles per week just that small due to the amount of miles? I think every runner who competes even on a recreational level questions this. According to these lovely ladies stats online, I'm plus sized in the venue of competitive running.
For me this has only to do with running. If your not a complete bat shit crazy runner, who gives a shit what your size or weight it. As long as your healthy and happy... own it! Unfortunately for me who wants to be the fastest I can be, this becomes an issue. I've stayed in the same ball park weight throughout all 3 of my marathons. I'm still at the weight as I get closer to Paris. I know that my disgusting habit of smoking contributes to my turtle pace but is my weight also an issue. Of course my nutritionist and therapist say "fuck no!" but they also look at my BMI and getting me sane. They are not really concerned about my pace per mile.
They all say I'm pure muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle I've obtained but, if I was smaller would I go faster? It makes sense, the less load you have to carry 26.2 miles, the easier it will be. As anyone will tell you, it's hard to lose in training. Maybe the real key is to run more miles. I've tried everything and I actually eat a lot less than the elites do. I also have a full time job and can't run a marathon every day. Maybe it is all about training. Maybe until Nike signed my ass and I can run full time then I have to be happy with my slow progression. Either way I will do everything I can to succeed.
Only 53 days until my Parisian dream comes true. What my end result will be... 4/12/15 we shall find out. I'm still feel not completely ready but I have some time. Hopefully I'll find a great outfit and I hairstyle that will actually stay put! Hopefully I won't shit my pants and be happy with my time. Looking like an ass in Paris is not the goal!

How do you keep going when you want to stop...

I'm not sure if it is burnout or if I'm tired. I'm not sure if training for almost a year has caught up to me. I'm not sure if my ass has just gotten lazy. Like the picture says.. It's time to put on my big girl pants! With less than 2 months to Paris, the pitty party needs to stop. I needed to sit back and remember why I started all the crazy madness in the first place. I've proven I'm capable of at least finishing the marathon. I've had faster times in every race I've done. That's really not tough considering the short time frame. I sat back and remembered where I began and where I wanted to go.
Training has been insane for Paris. I wanted to get faster in a pretty short amount of time. This past Saturday I went out on a longer run. I was contemplating taking my really long for the week and I barely made it through my long/medium route. It was a huge blow because that hasn't happened in since training for Wakefield. I came home and thought "What is wrong with me?" I was sore from Head to toe and I was just not into it. I've been having thoughts of quiting for a while, and this scares me. I've wanted this for so long but I also don't want to be beast woman forever. I realized all of this complaining and girly stupidity derived from an exercise via therapy. I'm supposed to be looking in the mirror more. I guess my mind has not caught up to my body yet on my changes. Honestly all I was seeing was somebody I had never met.
I saw a girl who is all muscle and is bumpy. I thought "yep, you still need to lose about 30 lbs.". I know in my heart that won't be possible if I continue training. When you train, especially this crazy plan, you have to eat so much to fuel the run. I have not gained any weight but I haven't lost any either. My current efforts to lose had brought on a fatigue so bad I could barely get through my training runs. I also didn't lose even though I had cut back calories. I considered joining the weight loss challenge at work, but you had to have a BMI over 25. I can't even join that club. I guess I can't join the cool kids at work. If I quit training and cut back to 3-4 miles per day only five days a week I could scale back the calories and lose. I thought "well, people are trying to buy bibs to Paris. I could probably make some money."
Then I thought really hard about it. I remembered all the reasons I started this crazy shit. I remembered that running takes away the pain of my issues. I realized I just needed to get back to the fun of running and stop caring so much about split times. I'm not Kenyan and I've dreamed of Paris... big and small. Boys will come and go. My weight will fluctuate but I might never get into Paris again. I set out to run around the world and it's time to stop the pathetic pitty party and just keep going. Needless to say Sunday here in Boston we had snowmaggedon round 3 and I went out in the snow. So much fun and reminded me of what running could bring and the crazy adventures it leads too. I was one of those dumb asses on TV that ran in a blizzard and it was awesome. Then on Monday I tackled my long run and nailed it. Pitty parties happen to the best of us. Just cry and remember "Louis Vutton!"

A message for Valentines day... A real one!

So my last Valentine's day post was a joke, but today is a real one. Tomorrow is a day we either celebrate our love for one another or wear black, yell "Fuck Love!" and eat and drink and cry. So many hate this lovely day. Personally I love the fact I can wear pink and red together and not be miss matching. I think Valentine's day is a great day to celebrate friends, family and loved ones. Plus did I mention the color for the day is my two favorite colors. What girl doesn't love Pink!
To all those who were recently dumped or are sad they are alone I have a message for you guys. Sometimes that's the best gift of all. My running came from a broken heart. I felt rejected and unwanted. I was extremely depressed and had pretty much hit rock bottom. I couldn't see any light at the end of any tunnel. All of the passion for life had been sucked out of me. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I felt that there really wasn't much to live for. I was crying everyday, starving myself and looked a hot, crusty mess. I truly believed that I would never get married and have what so many others received. I felt I wasn't worthy of ever finding happiness because I believed that's where happiness came from.  Running at first was a way to shed the weight and then became my savior.
In being alone I discovered just how strong I could be. I found that I could do the impossible. When I started training for Boston I truly had no clue if I could even finish. The farther I ran, the more it changed me. It wasn't easy and I pushed myself harder than I ever had. Even now, running isn't easy. You have to push hard and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I would get out there and just keep trying to prove to myself I was worth something. In the end what I realized is that happiness has to come from yourself first, love has to come from yourself. Not from someone else. Once you learn to love who you are than you start to not care. Love becomes an amazing accessory rather than a need. You never actually need a Louis Vuitton, but it's nice to have (real or fake).
From loneliness, I found my strength and that's way better than an being stuck with an idiot! As the saying goes "I would rather be alone than stuck with this psychopath for the rest of my life!" Love that quote, have it on a magnet. I found a new passion and that I could achieve something only 1% of the population ever achieves once. I've done it 3 times and preparing for a fourth round in less than a year. Actually 1% is a lot of people considering there are billions of people. So many marathoners have stories just like my story. It's an honor to be amongst some amazing people.
LESS THAN 2 MONTHS until I descend on the most romantic city in the world. Maybe I'll meet a great French guy and this blog will change to "American runner in Paris.. Forever!" Honestly if there is anything I've taken away from this experience is that I don't need a man, I just need some Nike's and some spandex:). If the right one comes along great. If he doesn't I'm still going to have the most epic adventures running around this big globe, also known as Earth! to Paris with love. So no need to fall off the wagon eating chocolate, just go for a run and hug your friends!

I never changed... except my underwear!

Just because you look different doesn't mean you are different. Just because your size is different doesn't mean your brain changed. Chairs get bigger, clothes get smaller and distances don't seem as far but things are the same. Who you are as a person doesn't change just maybe your outlook on life does. Your goals, dreams and dinner plate maybe different but your general make up doesn't. Literally my day to day makeup look stayed the same. Despite all of this people seem to think that just because you look different, you are different. The person you were at size 22 is the same person you are in a girls medium. My clothes are actually not as tight as I used to wear them but my style has pretty much stayed the same. My hair may be a different color but that's because of health issues and bleach don't mix:(. I had no choice but to be a brunette. Someone said something a while back that has stayed with me. She had interviewed at the hospital I work at right before I started my journey. When you interview and apply for a fellowship it takes about two years before you start. When she saw me again she recognized me because I had the same makeup look as I did before. She thought it was me but wasn't sure. When she finally had the balls to ask, she was shocked like most and asked a ton of questions. I felt like it proved a point. Just because you lose weight doesn't mean your this completely different person. I personally think I don't look that much different than I did when I was heavy. Most people say that's not true but that's not the point. Who I am never changed. This was always me. I still love the same music. I'm still goofy and awkward. I still use the same soap and hair products. I still love the cat eye look for my eyeliner. I loved Forever21 then and now. I may wear knee boots a lot but I couldn't fit into them when I was heavier. I also still don't judge. I don't care how you live your life. We all only live once and you should live it to the fullest, how you want too.
My dreams may seem completely different now, but they're not. This was a silent dream I never believed possible. At 284lbs. I was realistic thinking a marathon was not possible. I was right. I was in no way able to run even a mile. After the doctor scare and an ass hat, I was able to do what was necessary to achieve that goal. Finally live out that silent dream I had held onto for so long. A dream that would make most laugh at me if I told them. Honestly I never thought I would make it through a 5k. Now I'm to cheap to sign up for one but that's neither here nor there. Training has made me a stronger person but I still have all those doubts and fears I had even before I lost the weight. Every time I hear there is a cut off time I'm so close to pooping my pants. I've never not made the cut off time but it scares the bejesus out of me. Knowing Paris like most marathons have a 6:30 cut off time freaks me out.
With all the fear that was there before, sometimes it's still hard to eat. I'm afraid it will all come back on with a cookie. It's not logical but it's my fear and I'm working on it. My favorite movie is still Napoleon Dynamite and Unicorns are my favorite animal. I love hard and my friends are still the world to me. I never wanted to change who I am just be healthy and finally live my dreams. I've lost so many people in my life because of my change and I always wonder "Where did everyone go?" I've also met a ton of great new people who accept me for who I am today. I also learned who would be there no matter what. Those people are the best! I will forever be me, forever awkward, forever goofy, forever girly... Forever Cheryl! Almost 2 months to the city I've always dreamed of.. heavy and thin!