Paris training blues...

So it has begun again. It's hard to explain but I'm going to give it a try. The weeks before a huge race are filled with nerves, excitement and toe tape. The in between time is filled with fear and self doubt. They say it takes about 4 weeks to truly recover from a marathon. Now that I'm 4 weeks out from NYC, the fear for Paris has set in. 

You worry about your pace time, injuries and diet. It's a mental game mostly. After running 3, I've learned it's all in the head. The months are filled with good runs, bad runs, good days and bad days. They are filled with self doubt and nerves. This time it's also filled with outfit planning, learning the language and planning my first Parisian adventure. Good is coming with the bad this time. It's exciting knowing I'm finally going to Paris but, the fear of a race is also present. Plus still being in the holiday season and having eating issues isn't helping. So how do I stay in the game? 

It feels like the battle has just begun and the fight will be epic. With less than 5 months to go the goal is endurance training and not lose my shit! More miles, faster speed runs and get excited for the most epic race... Paris!! Every girls dream!

French sophistication...

When a girl dreams all her life of going to Paris, she certainly does not want to screw it up. My goal is to run like an American bad ass but, come off like a true Parisian. Show them what a girl from the city of qualifiers can do race wise, but walk the streets as one of their own. Be classy, be fashionable and be able to ask questions in a perfect French accent. Not too many goals. Run a personal best, learn as much French as possible and look like a French fashionista. Should be easy right? 

We all know how the French think of Americans. We are loud, have no class and no taste. We all wear fanny packs, mom jeans and want French fries. We have no taste and want some ugly purse that has a huge emblem on it that screams "Dior". Well this little runner doesn't want to change their mind, I just don't want them to suspect I'm from the states. 

So a huge "to do" checklist before Paris. 1- learn enough conversational French with the right accent. I want to be able to ask the basics and to understand the answer. I have a ton of French music my iPhone and I've been listening to get a better sense of the pronunciation. I'm also singing along with no clue what their saying. For all I know the song is about dirty clowns.

2- Read French vogue and get a sense of the trends. See what these parisian's are rocking and mimic it on a budget. No fanny packs for this one!!

3- Keep up the training! Only on 4/12 will I show my true nationality and home city! Runners from all over the world know about Boston and what this city does. I want to show up and show them in Boston... We don't mess around! 

140 days to my most epic race to date. Ran my home, ran my favorite now time to run my dream. To Paris with love and Nike's! Au revoir to the hot mess and bonjour to the runner who is about to kill it American style in Paris! 

The Holiday's are coming... Oh crap!

There are so many races associated with the holidays. There are Turkey trots and Santa Hustles all over the US. It's a time of year when you get together with your family, eat, drink and be merry. Well for this little runner I seemed to be plagued with anxiety. The fear of getting off track has sent me into a panic like no other. I keep asking myself "What's my damn problem?" Yet I seem to be unable to answer this question. I know I will run throughout and control my food but, crap! When in training, how do you handle the Holiday's?
I've never been in training in the holiday season. I received my number for Boston on Christmas eve last year. During last years festivities I was struggling with my eating disorder and it was extremely visible. I barely ate anything and threw myself into helping with cleaning. I was such into the thick of my problems, I almost didn't notice all the possible temptation. When your that controlled and crazy it's really hard to fall off the wagon. This year I'm training for possibly my biggest race ever and crippled with fear about the possible derailment in training. What I'm realizing is the holidays are sending me back into a dark hole I fought so hard to get out of.
Right now if your running a spring marathon you have your number. Your already in training and your long run is probably up to about 10 miles if your a first-timer. If your one of the serial offenders your probably taking 16-17 mile long runs and really just maintaining fitness. Your on your training specific diet and just trying to deal with the zub zero temps that are part of the winter season. Many of us have in-between races we are also preparing for. Right now, my prescribed caloric intake is a lot higher then the average person. The amount of calories I need to consume per day just to maintain race weight would probably shock most people. Without the fear of the holidays it doesn't even phase me. Probably because I eat the same thing pretty much everyday without variation. I think the fear of no control has turned my brain into taking extreme control. Many people say they run so they can eat. For me if I eat something dense I feel like a blob on the run.
Falling off the wagon by not eating enough is just as bad, if not worse. Running on empty is something I've experienced and gets you nowhere.. literally! When I started training last year I had no clue how to fuel properly and ended up half with it in the middle of Copley Square in Boston. It was scary to say the least. Propper nutrition in any sporting activity is crucial. I've screwed this up so many times that now I know exactly when it's happening and know when to eat. Basically I get extremely dizzy. I usually have snacks in my purse at all times just in case. Every girl should have lip gloss, pocket mirror and apple sauce in their purse:). Plus all of my newly diagnosed food allergies make it 10x as difficult. No dairy or gluten and also fat makes eating anywhere but your own personal kitchen difficult.
I know that I have a lot of time between the holidays and my next race (Fred Lebow memorial half in the gorgeous Central Park 1/25). If I fall off the wagon food wise, I have plenty of time to get back on. Clearly I have a lot of time before Paris. This is when just running to enjoy it essential. Running has become the thing that helps me let go of the issues in a healthy way. Unfortunately because of the stress I've hit the wall. Hope fully my mind will shut the bleep up and I will go and enjoy my family who have been amazing through this crazy process. I have also booked my poor therapist up until New Years. As any runner will tell you, screwing with training can scare the bejesus out of us. I just need to remember PARIS! 143 days until I say "Bonjour" to my dream city!

The training mental road block....

Every runner in training has experienced a moment when they question themselves and their goal. It's hard to be strong 24/7. We all experience moments of weakness. We are human but it's what you do with that block that can make or break you. From elites to newbies sometimes the road gets tough. 

Not going to lie, I've hit the wall mentally. The relentless fight I think may have finally taken it's toll. From running hundreds of miles, constant laundry, fatigue and being forced to evaluate who I am recently has worn this nut ball down. I feel like the person I am has never changed but just the goals. I'm not even close to perfect but maybe just a little stronger. 

Sometimes you wonder why do I keep going? What's it all for in the end? Is this really all worth it? The answer is of course it's worth it! To be able to experience what so few get to is amazing. Being part of such amazing events are truly life changing. In order to be part of these events, you have to train. I know at the end of the day, I will slap on the spandex, push my big butt out the door and be in the moment within seconds. The whole time dreaming of the champs élysées and the Eiffel Tower! 

It's happened to me in every training season. The fear of weight gain, injury, crapping my pants and not being able to finish. Everyday is a new day to run and to let go of the notion that quitters win. I just have to get on my game face and remember why I started in the first place. Plus to see Paris, f#%king awesome!! Time to stop the bull shit and get it together because winter comes and goes, spring time comes and Kenyans arrive in France! Plus a runner from Boston who hopefully will be ready to take on the world!

You want to go out Saturday night?... Sacrifice!

Unfortunately the answer to that question is usually no.. Long run Sunday is tough after a night out. Back in the day I was always out on a Saturday night at some club, being grinded on by some dude, puking in a bathroom somewhere. Parties, nightclubs, and bars was where you could find me most nights of the week. Now if you need me, my feet are up and I'm relaxing for my run the next day. Marathon runner's sacrifice so much for their goal. We do go out once in a while and hang with friends, but party until morning is usually out of the question. When training we sacrifice so much for the goal. We give up things most people could never live without. We give up foods, social events and expensive items to pay for race fees. I've also given up toe nails but that's neither here nor there. At the end of the day it's all worth it for that feeling of crossing the finish line and the medal forever on your wall.
I sometimes feel like I've given up everything. I've given up expensive clothes and shoes. I've given up alcohol and many foods. I've become the girl who at 11p.m. turns into a pumpkin. No pedicures or manicures anymore. There are times when I question this decision when I see a new purse I want or I smell pizza or beer. There are times I look on Facebook and see my friend's pictures of partying and I wish I could go. I read Vogue magazine and see the latest trends and want to go out and buy them. Take a weekend holiday somewhere. The list can go on and on, but I always remind myself that what I'm training for is too amazing to give up.
I know that without training I would not be as happy as I am today. If I eat the pizza I'm just going to get extremely sick. If I buy the purse, I would like it for a minute and just see another I wanted. I can go to the party for a while and by 11, everyone will be drunk anyway so my sober ass will be fine to go. Mani's and Pedi's last for a few days then chip, I'll paint them myself for cheaper. Finding bargains on clothes have become it's own fun game in itself. The rest of the sacrifices sting for a minute but at the end of the day running is much more important to me. To have achieved my goal three times over now feels so good that I can't imagine going back.
I've made new friends, seen new things, had new experiences and feel like now I'm actually living versus the things I've sacrificed. For every dream you will have to sacrifice to get there. If it's worth it, you won't even miss it. Maybe I don't have expensive things but I do own a Tiffany's medal. I have a world I never dreamed of and if you achieve your dream I promise those sacrifices will no longer be sacrifices. To give up so much to go to Paris doesn't really feel like a sacrifice at all. I don't even flinch at saving my money. I have no desire for the pizza or the booze. I've dreamed of Paris my whole life and it's completely worth it. To give up everything honestly feels like I did not sacrifice but got a brand new beautiful life instead. So now when I see people partying or buying expensive things I just say to myself "PARIS!". Less than five months to the race of a lifetime!!

So your 31... Life plans

The ever famous running stroller. The exercise tool for so many new mothers. Taking your little ones on a run to get off the baby weight. I've had the question "so when are you going to settle down and have kids?" a lot lately. Here is my sort of answer.

I think the thought is I lost all this weight so it's time to catch a man, get married and have babies. Basically people are insinuating that prior it was not possible. Let's be real I dated jerks heavy and thin. Also, I just got there, I want to enjoy it for a while. I also think it's a personal victory that I did not marry and procreate with my previous love interests. At my age though, everyone seems to wonder when I'm going to start making babies?

Answer... not anytime soon. I was thinking about it a lot on my run and realized I have to many dreams to fulfill before I make mini-marathoners. I want to travel the world and really live. I stayed in bubble too long and these tiny, pretty gross feet need to run around the world. London, Berlin, Tokyo, the Great Wall of China, Rome and the original in Athens internationally and Chicago, all of the service marathons, Seattle and return trips to Boston and NYC stateside are priorities to me. This could happen with kids but it will be tough. I want to finally enjoy life and see everything the world has to offer... Plus run every damn race and have a really bad ass medal collection:).

To give it up and be selfless for a child is not in my plans and I'm kinda sick of everybody making me feel old. I have plenty of time. Someday I will pump out some future running nuts, but for now, it's time to live and run. I want to look back and have no regrets so I can be the best mom ever. See, you do have deep thoughts on a run! My third bucket list marathon is not far away... PARIS!!! I'm going to Paris.... Enough said!! Less than 5 months!!! 

The Gym... No way, not anymore!

Lot's of people love the gym. For some it's like the Cheer's bar "Where everybody knows your name". Lot's of people love cross training and lifting weights. The gym has so many benefits and is a great thing. Plus you can wear cute outfits all year round there! For me personally, I hate the gym. I suck at lifting weights, I get self-concious still and I hate the treadmill with a passion. I started out at the gym and found my love for running there but... No way in hell am I going back. Here is why..
After losing a eighty pounds it was time to get active again. Dancing, cheerleading and walking had always been my exercise. I played sports throughout my teen years and danced up until I was done college. So when it was time to start moving again I signed up for the gym. I went with the judgement free zone, Planet Fitness. I developed a program straight from the book. I walked on the treadmill for an hour and designed a lift program with core exercises (abdominal fun). It took 2 hours a day five days a week. It was the most boring thing I had ever done but it worked for a while. I saw results in my fitness. I was becoming more toned. I was still dieting so the weight was coming off anyway. I hated every damn minute of it. I was so persistent in my goals and that was the only reason I kept with it. The walking got faster, and I put myself on a hill program. I was still lifting and doing core exercises. One night when I got home I sat down and thought about running and devised the plan that started it all. I would run on the piece of shit treadmill for the last five minutes each time and slowly work my way up.
Not only did I hate my life while I was at the gym, but I felt extremely self concious even though it was called the judgement free zone. I was still overweight and looked horrible in my gym clothes. I wanted to workout and have no one see me. That's kind of hard at a public gym! So I would go to the gym really early or really late so the amount of people was less. I was so embarrassed with my self that it actually hindered my progress. I'm not sure why it never occured to me to walk/run outside and purchase some dumbbells. I think everyone just thinks they need to go to the gym when they really don't. It has become ingrained in society that that's the way to get fit. I could have done everything I did without going to the gym but there I was hating every minute of it crying in my car on the way home.
The first five minutes of running felt worse than any marathon I've ever participated in. I hacked, wheezed and felt like I was going to throw up. I was running about a 13 minute mile. I knew it was going to suck until I was trained and just kept moving. Every gym trip I just told myself it would get easier. I ran with music and tried to not pay attention to anyone else. After about 2 months I was able to run walk about 20 minutes, that's when I ventured outside. I was still going to the gym but also incorporating outdoors. It was about 2.5 miles of flat suburbia. I ran in the middle of nowhere so know one could see. I was also living in the middle of nowhere so that was pretty easy. In the fall I moved back to Cambridge and got rid of my car. I was still a member at Planet Fitness and went everyday after work. On the weekends I tried running around the city in the extremely early hours of the morning. The gym in the city was much more crowded. There was always a line for the treadmill and abdominal machines. I was still to chicken to run in less than perfect weather so I would still hit the treadmill. I could run for 30 minutes without stopping at this point and getting faster. I still felt self concious and became aware of the fact that people do actually watch what your doing.
By Christmas the weight was gone and I recieved my number for Boston. This past winter was one of the most brutal winters and I had told myself I couldn't run in a blizzard (so not true!). This is when my gym time came to an end.
I was kicked off the treadmill for being on too long. Nowhere did it say a time limit and I had to get in a run for Boston. At that moment I cancled and have never looked back. I wanted to be a runner and run outside. There is no weather in Boston you cannot run in. I refuse to go back. I've learned to run in any condition and love it. The gym gave me a horrible complex and I'm a firm believer in if you don't love you won't stick with it! The gym is not for everyone and that's ok! It's also ok to love it. My hat is off to anyone who does. For me, the fresh air and city sights are the best way to run! that's why I love city marathons, you get to see the city while you run. Plus being outside I personally feel less self concious. Maybe I just love it too damn much. So if your wondering do I lift? Nope! I just run everyday. That's all I do. Nothing fancy just me, sneakers, spandex, some woodland city creatures and sidewalks. Paris city sights, smells and sounds will be my next adventure and will be epic!! Here I come Paris!!