Time goes by... even when running!

We all get older. Things come and go. We love, we laugh and we fart. We lose touch with childhood friends. We start our careers, our families and have day to day mini dramas that encompass moving on and getting older. I've had some personal drama recently, nothing serious, just stupid shit. You know.. training isn't going as fast as I had hoped, boy crap.. the usual for a girl. Thanks to the power of social media, you read something that brings you right back to who you were at a different time.
I've been on a strange trip through marathon land. My life has completely changed in the past couple of years and had friends come and go. Through running, I've learned how to deal with life's past and present challenges. When I read what happened to an old friend I realized how thankful I should be for my life changes and to still be here living.
Sure certain things are still going to bother me, I'm a girl. It does feel like no matter what happens recently after a hard core run things are better. The one thing I don't do often is reflect on the past. Today I started thinking about all the times I had with this person and how much I actually missed those times. This happens to everyone. Sometimes it's good to look back though and remember the good times.
 I've put so much of the past behind me and vowed to never look back. My goal is to only look forward and never be concerned with what happened yesterday because there's always tomorrow. Cue up the Annie! Maybe it's good to look back so we can appreciate how far we have come and keep focus on the future. I'm living such a weird crazy life now that most people can't even imagine. Actually for the first time yesterday, I actually felt like a real athlete. Not in the sense of sponsorship and headed to Rio, but that I train for an athletic event. I'm still slow, I totally get that but yesterday was a weird feeling of "hey I might actually be athletic."
I'm really fucking lucky and don't think for a second I don't know that. Everyday I'm super thankful for the life I have and to be able to run around in spandex scarring the citizens of Suffolk County (Boston). After reading this passage on the good old Facebook, I took a second to think about the past and realized how much everything has changed. This person used to love a certain style of shirt and I wore one in honor of her. I paired with a fluffy skirt and pointy toe flats but that's neither here nor there. I'm thankful to go to Paris and continue living the dream. A crazy dream only 1% of the population engages in apparently.

When you question your training... train harder!

Why doesn't my hair look like that when I'm running? Oh that's right, I'm not trying to take a picture:). For about 3 1/2 months I've been on a new training program. More miles, more speed and more hills. I wasn't quite sure if it was working. I hadn't seen the results I thought I would. I figured I would be faster by now. I started to become paranoid and over analyzing every run. Could I have gone faster? Did I push myself? Was there enough hills? This was clearly not healthy! Once I looked at from a sane perspective, I had achieved more.
 I shaved 32 seconds off my split time from NYC to my NYC half in 2 months. That may not seem like a lot but it actually is. Plus feeling like ass that morning makes me question was that really my best? I can tell you the answer is no. Doing speed workouts on that awful treadmill an 8 minute split felt pretty easy. Let me put that into perspective. I wasn't pushing it. Most of the time I was doing a 7:30 split time. I also know from my training runs I have been clocking under 8 so I'm right where I wanted to be. Now, I'm not jinxing jack shit. I know I could show up to Paris and perform like crap. Hence my half.
The goal now, being so close but still in the time frame to enhance my performance, to push harder. Faster speed running and faster pace runs. Maybe amp up the mileage (who am I kidding, of course I will!). I'm also going to look at my diet and see what I can do for better performance. I want to know I did everything I possibly could in the amount of time I had for the best results. I would also like to avoid the usual... Shiting my pants, nipple bleeds, chafing in any area, black toe and I would love for my hair to like the picture throughout the race.
Paris is only 51 days away and it's close but far. If I screw up there will be other races. This race is for me though. After dreaming of this city forever, I want to go in and compete strong. I want this to be the adventure of a lifetime and if I have to spend a few nights on the bathroom floor because I can't move... then qualify for Boston (instead get into London), then it's totally worth it! Plus find a French guy with a great fashion sense, find the perfect job and never come back. Yeah, I have big dreams:)! Au revoir!

Plus sized for a runner... Why does it matter?

When looking at the sizes of the elite runners, I realized I weigh a lot more than them. Even though I look like I weigh 100lbs soaking wet.. I don't. In races I've seen girls larger than me killing it and finishing faster than me. There are so many articles on losing weight with running and smaller = faster. Is being the smallest you can be really the key to success? Or, are these girls who get paid to run hundreds of miles per week just that small due to the amount of miles? I think every runner who competes even on a recreational level questions this. According to these lovely ladies stats online, I'm plus sized in the venue of competitive running.
For me this has only to do with running. If your not a complete bat shit crazy runner, who gives a shit what your size or weight it. As long as your healthy and happy... own it! Unfortunately for me who wants to be the fastest I can be, this becomes an issue. I've stayed in the same ball park weight throughout all 3 of my marathons. I'm still at the weight as I get closer to Paris. I know that my disgusting habit of smoking contributes to my turtle pace but is my weight also an issue. Of course my nutritionist and therapist say "fuck no!" but they also look at my BMI and getting me sane. They are not really concerned about my pace per mile.
They all say I'm pure muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle I've obtained but, if I was smaller would I go faster? It makes sense, the less load you have to carry 26.2 miles, the easier it will be. As anyone will tell you, it's hard to lose in training. Maybe the real key is to run more miles. I've tried everything and I actually eat a lot less than the elites do. I also have a full time job and can't run a marathon every day. Maybe it is all about training. Maybe until Nike signed my ass and I can run full time then I have to be happy with my slow progression. Either way I will do everything I can to succeed.
Only 53 days until my Parisian dream comes true. What my end result will be... 4/12/15 we shall find out. I'm still feel not completely ready but I have some time. Hopefully I'll find a great outfit and I hairstyle that will actually stay put! Hopefully I won't shit my pants and be happy with my time. Looking like an ass in Paris is not the goal!

A recreational runner... Being slow is ok right?

Giving up or giving in has never been an option. Even full of self doubt, I get out there everyday and run the mileage. Some days are faster than others. I give my new found hobby 110% and leave it on the streets. There are days though.. I wish I could be faster! I think every runner has self doubt and maybe that's what motivates us all to do better and train harder. Recently I hit the "wall" mentally. I couldn't figure out why. Was it burn out? Was I eating enough? Really at the end of the day, I knew what the problem was.. My self consciousness has finally come back to haunt me.
I know I'm slow, I'm new. I haven't even made it through a year of marathon training. Before that I barely made it through a 5k. I know I have a long way to go. Most people started their journey's back in their teens or even before. I started running when I was 29. We can all get caught up reading about others and their success stories. I even wrote a blog about comparisons. For me, I know the problem is myself. I still feel self-conscious running the streets of Boston. I'm in the city of qualifiers! So many here are running 7 minute miles on the regular. My fastest race pace is 8. I've been challenged silently on the street before and it is kinda fun. Especially with the college kids. Clearly they are like "I can totally kick the slow old ladies ass!"
I think this has become a problem for me because I'm pushing myself harder than ever and I feel like I'm not see much of a result. Maybe I am, it's hard to tell. My last half was a personal best. I shaved off 35 seconds on my pace per mile. I'm hoping by Paris for a full minute off that. It won't happen, but it's a goal to strive for. When I run outside sometimes I'm embarrassed. It's something I have to get out of my head. While it may be the driving force, it's not the greatest habit. the good thing about snowmaggedon here in Boston is that the snowbanks are so high that if I run on the sidewalk... You can't see me.
With Paris 54 days away I know the competition will be fierce. Going off in a low wave scares the bejesus out of me. Hopefully I can hang with that crew. If my half is any indication, then yes. If that was a fluke then I'm fucked:(. At least I'll be in a beautiful city to drown my sorrows!

Getting Back to the Reason... Paris!

You hit a mental wall then break out of it by remembering the goal. Paris! The fashion capitol, the city of love and the place you have dreamed of all your life. There are so many reasons to go to Paris. I would love for someone to think of a reason not to go to Paris. Just to stand in front of the Effiel Tower and bask in its beauty is a reason to push harder than you ever have. To run and be accepted to run in the most beautiful city in the world is a reason enough for a grueling winter full of numb extremities and crazy training injuries!
Sometimes through all the mini dramas of life we have to step back and look at the big picture. That big picture being the Louis Vuitton spring line or CHANEL bags. Going to the city where these pieces that I believe is art originated is crazy. So many up and coming designers as well will be amazing to see up close and personal. Walking the streets and seeing French street style all around you is something I cannot fathom. Definitely looking forward to tiny museums, little cafes and people watching. Just to be there and be a part of the culture almost brings me to tears.
I love cities. Growing up in a small town will have that effect on you. Dreaming of what else is out there. All the different people, languages and culture fascinates me. Definitely going to hit up some Paris nightlife, got to see what the kids are doing. Hoping M83 is in town (one of my favorite bands)! Heels may be off the menu for a few days after the marathon, but we can rock some cute flats. I've decided to run my 22 miler in NYC. 3+ loops around Central Park, plus stock up on Canal street with cheap fashion accessories. Cute sunglasses, already have the perfect handbags and some essential clothing pieces to perfect the look. You have to do your once in a lifetime trip perfectly!
Trust me.. I haven't forgotten the tiny race in the middle of the trip. I'm back on board with my training and I want to walk away with a personal best. Have my diet back on point and I have decided that absolutely nothing is going to ruin my dream! I may question everything, but I will fight my own demons for Paris. In this stage in the game, training is always grueling. This is when the mileage is the most and the weather here in Boston has not treated us so kindly. I have fallen, forced into the gym and freeze my ass off. I know when I cross that finish line at the Arc de Triumph it will be all worth it and I won't remember my hands in pain and losing feeling. 54 Days until the most epic race of a lifetime! To Paris with love!

How do you keep going when you want to stop...

I'm not sure if it is burnout or if I'm tired. I'm not sure if training for almost a year has caught up to me. I'm not sure if my ass has just gotten lazy. Like the picture says.. It's time to put on my big girl pants! With less than 2 months to Paris, the pitty party needs to stop. I needed to sit back and remember why I started all the crazy madness in the first place. I've proven I'm capable of at least finishing the marathon. I've had faster times in every race I've done. That's really not tough considering the short time frame. I sat back and remembered where I began and where I wanted to go.
Training has been insane for Paris. I wanted to get faster in a pretty short amount of time. This past Saturday I went out on a longer run. I was contemplating taking my really long for the week and I barely made it through my long/medium route. It was a huge blow because that hasn't happened in since training for Wakefield. I came home and thought "What is wrong with me?" I was sore from Head to toe and I was just not into it. I've been having thoughts of quiting for a while, and this scares me. I've wanted this for so long but I also don't want to be beast woman forever. I realized all of this complaining and girly stupidity derived from an exercise via therapy. I'm supposed to be looking in the mirror more. I guess my mind has not caught up to my body yet on my changes. Honestly all I was seeing was somebody I had never met.
I saw a girl who is all muscle and is bumpy. I thought "yep, you still need to lose about 30 lbs.". I know in my heart that won't be possible if I continue training. When you train, especially this crazy plan, you have to eat so much to fuel the run. I have not gained any weight but I haven't lost any either. My current efforts to lose had brought on a fatigue so bad I could barely get through my training runs. I also didn't lose even though I had cut back calories. I considered joining the weight loss challenge at work, but you had to have a BMI over 25. I can't even join that club. I guess I can't join the cool kids at work. If I quit training and cut back to 3-4 miles per day only five days a week I could scale back the calories and lose. I thought "well, people are trying to buy bibs to Paris. I could probably make some money."
Then I thought really hard about it. I remembered all the reasons I started this crazy shit. I remembered that running takes away the pain of my issues. I realized I just needed to get back to the fun of running and stop caring so much about split times. I'm not Kenyan and I've dreamed of Paris... big and small. Boys will come and go. My weight will fluctuate but I might never get into Paris again. I set out to run around the world and it's time to stop the pathetic pitty party and just keep going. Needless to say Sunday here in Boston we had snowmaggedon round 3 and I went out in the snow. So much fun and reminded me of what running could bring and the crazy adventures it leads too. I was one of those dumb asses on TV that ran in a blizzard and it was awesome. Then on Monday I tackled my long run and nailed it. Pitty parties happen to the best of us. Just cry and remember "Louis Vutton!"

Breaking point...

You love running. You can't imagine your life without it. You know it has made you a better person. You have proven 3 times over you are capable of what so few are. Then you hit a bad streak and question everything. I've been in training for less than a year, been on a running streak and gone through way to many pairs of sneakers. For the first time I questioned myself and thought "is this all still worth it?"

Maybe it's just burn out. I've been on a crazy training plan and having racking up the miles. In the past couple of months I've been running more miles per week then I ever have. I love the feeling of a long run but when your running multiple hours per day, you start to question your sanity. My legs are sore, actually my whole body is sore. Its actually more like pain. I'm tired all the time. I know it's an adjustment period when you increase mileage. My body is just getting used to it. It could also be the cold weather and record snow fall we have been receiving here in Boston. Running in the extreme weather can take a toll on you. It's possible I'm sore from that as well. Whatever the reason my be it's taken it's toll. For the first time in a long time I feel like I need a walker just to get around. 

Eating has been tough too. The amount of food I need to consume is taking a toll mentally. I haven't gained any weight but I haven't lost any recently and I was trying to shed a few pounds. I haven't been fueling properly and my running has really suffered. I know the answer is eating more and I'm trying but it's been tough on the old noggin. Your constantly worried about getting to big but you need to fuel to keep speed. It's such a mind fuck!

For the first time in a very long time I wanted to stop on my run this morning. It was a back to back long run morning and about 3/4 the way through I felt like stopping. I didn't because I'm way too stubborn for that and actually went longer. I felt I was barely moving but when I looked at my reflection it actually looked like I was moving. I think that's a sign of burn out. Tomorrow, weather permitting I'm taking an 18 mile run. I actually spent the day eating and resting. For the longest time I haven't felt like skipping a run so bad. I just keep asking myself "what am I doing?" I do feel like stopping. I'm sure it's a phase. I keep telling myself it's that time in training where it's grueling. I want to go to Paris but I keep wondering if I'm actually ready? I'm honestly scared I'm not prepared. I have never been this fast but it doesn't feel like enough. Maybe I just need sleep. 58 days until Paris and my nerves are getting the best of me. Like "crying and questioning my life" best of me. I don't think I've ever questioned myself this hard since training for Boston. It's too late now.