A constant reminder....

Sometimes when I run I feel like I'm constantly running away from my former self. After two years of finally getting my act together, people still bring it up. I know that I should be proud of what I've accomplished but sometimes I wish it never happened. Not the transformation part, the part where I looked, acted and presented myself as a hot mess! People who did not know me before my change just know me as the marathon runner. They know me as a health nut who runs like a fool and is kind of goofy. They know me as the girl who is always wearing skirts or dresses with flats, obsessed with coffee and at about 3 pm everyday starts to get antsy because it's time to run. Sometimes I never tell them about the weight loss. I just let them think this has always been me. Unfortunately as soon as they ask how long I've been running, the truth comes out.
People who did know me before and are my friends understand it's a touchy subject. I mean, who really wants to reminisce about the time when they were obese, drinking heavily and depressed. All the good times! Like every night eating a whole dominos thin crust pizza with bacon and drinking 4 vodka cranberry's and watching extremely dumb shows alone. Eating a few donuts for breakfast, mac and cheese for lunch and falling asleep by 2pm. Eating to numb the pain of depression and anxiety, drinking so much you throw up weekly just to keep going. Being known as the life of the party but always inside knowing you hate crowds. Always feeling so self conscious and aware of what you look like that you put on a mask of make up every morning to hide the pain. All of these things are not what most people want to remember.
When people bring it up and make light hearted jokes about it I always try to counter with a joke. Inside though, it hurts. Sometimes you just want to say "yes, I was a mess! So funny!" I know it dosen't come from a bad place but it still stings. Sometime's I feel like more people who knew me are more impressed that I don't drink alcohol than the fact that I run marathons and actually run them. I know for most people they can't picture me without a drink in my hand but, it still hurts. It feels like no matter what I accomplish I'll always be the fat drunk in so many eye's.
The beautiful thing about running is not only the feeling but the amazing community of people it has. When I ran my most recent 20 miler I ran with two people and we just talked running and had a great time. It made me feel free. I never brought up the fact I lost weight or how long I've been running. We just talked about past races, equipment money woe's and past injuries. We also had a few laughs at the ugly course and the perfect weather we had. It felt so good to be defined by my speed not my journey. I was just a runner like them.
The NYC marathon has a field size of over 50,000 runners. Many amongst this group will have amazing stories. Cancer survivors, extreme weight loss stories and many other heroic tales. There will also be the life long runner who just loves New York (Who dosen't love New York)! I will be one among many hoping to get a personal best... and a Tiffany's medal dosen't hurt either! In 12 days I will run the 26.2 mile journey again hoping it will distance myself from my past a little more. Maybe someday I can truly be proud and not ashamed of my journey but embrace the struggle. 12 days!