The perfect lie... Social media

When I was heavier, sad and depressed I believed that most people on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter only used these platforms to show how wonderful their life was. It was a place to put your perfect family album out for the world to see. For so long I avoided being on any of the social sites because I was embarrassed of what I had become. I thought "What the hell would I put on there anyway? No kids, no husband and no real life to write about." What I didn't realize was that that's not what these sites are for.
When I decided to go on Facebook, I had already lost all the weight and was well into training and healing from my issues with depression and anorexia. I still felt pretty shameful but do to certain circumstances I gave it a go. Within the first four hours I had old friends from high school and college who were shocked at who I had become. To this day, I don't think what I do or have accomplished is really that amazing. I finally stopped being a gluten and I run. I was just part of the largest marathon ever and Paris has a field size of 50,000 and is completely filled. Clearly I'm not alone (thank god because that would be weird). Hundreds of thousands run marathons every year and if you read one of their pages you will see stories of triumph way better than mine. Honestly they inspire me to be better.
The one thing I've learned from my journey that trying to be perfect or trying to portray that I'm perfect is dumb. Of course I'm not perfect. At one point I weighed 280lbs, clearly there are some imperfections in the noggin! I've had horrible runs, horrible relationships that I have had a hand in the problems, and still go to therapy on top of running everyday. I hope what I come off as is flawed. I hope people see that I'm human and we all have bad days and our lives are not perfect. If I suck I write it. The main reason I post my times is because you can google it. It's up there for the world to see. Right now I'm in a point in my life, I am just trying to have fun, run, travel and finally live for the first time and this is my crazy adventure. You can come along for the ride:). I would hope that others see that it's okay to be flawed but still enjoy the good times. I will be honest, if I shit my pants I will write about it. If I suck it's going to be on here but if I kill it, it will be here too.
If your my friend on Facebook and have kids, I have said "Awe, how cute!" out loud in public. I love seeing my friends get married and their adorable families. I love seeing your dogs, vacations and random quotes. Most people don't put the bad stuff because who really wants to air dirty laundry? Well some do, but I will tell you right now, I don't post anything about anyone but myself. I also don't get personal due to some creepy stuff, but that's neither here nor there. What I've found is that Facebook and the like are places to catch up and for friends and families to see what your up to that maybe far away. So yes, everyday I talk about Paris because I can't f#$king wait! 123 days and it's going to be amazing! Plus all the crazy running fun that comes along the way:).

Holiday parties and training... What to wear, keep on track and be up for long run

Ah yes... The inevitable holiday party season has begun. Dresses, heels and alcohol are all on the menu this time of year.  I avoided these like the plague but, this year for the first time, I've decided to go. I've decided to to go to uncharted waters of holiday party land. So the question is, how do I stay on track with training?

Every girl does not want to look like a frumpy mess. What goes with holiday dresses... Heels! My feet are funky shaped to begin with but add in some running and it's a problem. Good thing it's winter because open toe is a no go. Also calf muscle strain scares me. I'm short and I want to be tall. Picking a cute pair of heels that will not possibly cause injury is a tough task. It's probably going to involve trying on every damn pair in the store. Short or midi dress is also the question? I have bulky runners legs and I'm not quite sure what looks good on my body anymore. Coming in showing off the he-man legs doesn't sound like a great idea. Plus heels make your calf muscles stick out. Not really feeling that look. Trying to be work appropriate but look cute is a tall order.

Food and alcohol are another problem. Showing up fashionably late will stave off the food problem but alcohol is another story. Everyone will be offering drinks and I'll be politely declining the whole night. My hope is everyone is drunk by the time I show up and they won't notice. 

I'm sure everything will be fine. New settings pose anxiety in this little runner. The good news is that my work knows about my journey and none of this will probably be an issue. There is also a personal reason (boys), but that's boring:). Paris is not that far away and an injury now will definitely derail progress so here's hoping I make it. Plus getting dressed up is always fun! 125 days until the ultimate experience of marathon de Paris!! 

Pressure from a personal best... Is that it?

Every race I've had a personal best. Even at Wakefield I ran a sub 6 minute mile. Of course that's the goal but you start to wonder "is that my actual personal best?". Is that the best I'm ever going to do? At the end of the day, if you finish a marathon it's a victory. But the problem becomes the fight to beat your time. All runners go through this. We all want to be faster than the last. So how do you get stronger without losing sight of the real goal, to love every damn minute of it.

This is something I've been struggling with. I want to do better in Paris. 3:46 is great but I want a sub 3:30 marathon. I can blame the wind all day long but in my heart I know it was my endurance. The goal has been to elongate my everyday runs to build up. After about 22 miles I feel like my body is cooked. The mental aspect of distance running kicks in and gets me to the finish. The problem becomes walking the fine line between enjoying and obsessing. Running is for fun. Even though I know I'm pushing myself to a breaking point I'm still loving it. I'm afraid of going to far. Pushing past your comfort zone is the point but going overboard can lead to injury. That would break my heart. Planning my epic Parisian adventure only to have it end painfully would kill me. Maybe this mentality will keep from going into the land of stupid but I'm scared of the threat. I see these numbers above and can hardly believe it's me. Yet I see them and think "you could do better!". 

I know right now it's time to get back on track. Yes it's true, more miles equalls better times but I have to be prudent. Running 20 miles a day leads to a torn hamstring in about 2.5 seconds. Plus you have to sit on inflatable donut and then you have to explain to everyone how you hurt your ass:(. Not cute. Plus holiday parties are coming and crutches and heels don't go! Paris is only a few months away and I need to remember it's all for fun. 

The rainbow connection..... Dreaming the dream of Paris!

So today I read something that made me have a slight exestential moment. I will tell you this, I have been in somewhat of a funk and it slightly woke my ass up. In life we get so hung up on the day to day grind that sometimes we forget to stop and think about all the good things that have come. We forget to think about all that has happened and be in the moment. After reading this (at the butt crack of dawn), I realized what an amazing journey I'm on and it's time to enjoy it. Getting hung up on finals, holiday worries and current mini dramas have somewhat soured the big picture, Marathon de Paris.
Everyone does it. We all fall victim of getting caught up in the what we don't have and what has passed us by. The things we thought we would have by now and what others have that we don't. This morning I realized that a- I wake up WAY to early and b-I'm training for Paris! I got into the Paris marathon and every run from now until April 12th 2015 is for making a dream since I was a kid come true. Getting faster, stronger and chasing the Boston qualifying time has weighed me down instead of just enjoying the run and getting excited for this amazing race. I've done Boston, what feels like several times, and there are so many others to do. Every major city has a marathon and I want to do them all. My major goal is to do all of the world majors by the time I'm 40. I will get back to Boston someday but I'm running Paris!
I will probably get faster not being obsessed with time. Go back out there and remember the point, fun. This little passage also made me realize how lucky I am for everything I have. At this point I did think I would maybe have a family but that's okay too. I have amazing friends and I have so much in my life to be greatful for that being sad or in a running funk should probably get me slapped. The amazing experiences that have come with this journey are priceless and the friends I've made along the way have filled my life with joy. Maybe I don't have the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a safe but reliable car. What I do have is 1/4 my former body weight, epic race medals, great friends and a ticket to the most beautiful city's marathon.
Training should be fun and full of crazy amazing experiences and I feel like now is the time to enjoy the process. The shit that happens while running is always great for a laugh. The season is always full of nut balls, half marathons and epic tales of idiots knocking into me. This training season will be full of fun because now the clock really starts. I've recovered from my last and time to get ready for the next. I'm going back to what has worked for me in the last three... Just run! Do what I do and enjoy it! Hug my family and remember where I came from and never look back. 127 days to Paris and about a month until my next race. Central Park and I have a rematch! If your wondering about the title, yes I was listening to the rainbow connection while writing this!

Feeling like death.... go for a run!

It's funny, back in the day if I was sick I would lay in bed or on the couch, eat saltines and whine if I had a cold. These days if I have a cold, I go for a run. Most people would think this is extremely stupid but it actually makes you feel better... for like 5 seconds. There is actually evidence to support that as long as it has not escalated to more than a head cold it's actually good to run. Sniffles, sneezing and coughing are totally cool. Plus snot rockets left all over your route is fun for everyone (sorry Boston).
Ever since I started training not much could derail me from a run. Stomach bug, cold or muscle pains have yet to stop me. Like the saying goes "after 5-6 miles you can't feel anything anyway!" Of course, there are times when it's not okay to run like pneumonia or bronchitis but since I've been running I've yet to really get sick. I also get the flu shot but I'm pretty sure that because of the running it has boosted my immune system. There is also a lot of evidence to support this theory as well. As you all know I don't go into scientific detail on my blog because that shit can get boring.
Maybe it's due to the healthy diet and exercise I've yet to get really sick but the amount of fun mucus that has been coming up has definitely had me question my new priorities. I used to think it's gross to spit in public but now when I'm on a run... It's like target practice. I make sure I don't hit anyone and try to get it in the road. Usually it just ends up on me:(. It feels like after about 2 miles my system is just expelling everything. I leak like a faucet. Snot and spit all over me just trucking along, I must look lovely. The things I've become okay with should really start to scare me.
With plenty of time to Paris, I'm definitely watching myself and listening to my body. Plus my half in a month, keeping fit but not taking risks is a must. 132 days until a Parisian adventure but hopefully I'll be all cleared up and snot/mucus free. Au revoir everyone!

Marathon de Paris.. Christmas Wishes!

All the Christmas lights are up in the city. All the stores are screaming "Buy Shit!" Black Friday and Cyber Monday have come and gone. So it's December (when did that happen?), and it's time we all think about what we want for Christmas. The usual is always on the list; world peace, end to hunger, cures for cancer and aids, homes for the homeless and beers for the beer less. Plus a cute handbag! Then I started to think about what I really wanted for Christmas and of course, it all had to do with running my next marathon. So here it is; what I hope for Christmas this year.
First I want want every runner wants, a personal best. That's kind of obvious! Not every marathon you run will be a personal best. A lot can happen in 26.2 miles, but that's what you train months for, so here's hoping! I did extremely well in NYC and that might be my one shining moment. If it is, that's okay. If I'm close to that in Paris, it means I'm on the right track. Which leads into what I want next.
Second, I want to qualify for Boston. Even if I never go back, it would be cool just to know. To be able to qualify in less than a year... Epic! I would need to shave off 12 minutes to do so which is really not a long shot. As long as I take care of myself and keep up the training, it's definitely possible. The other good/bad news is I'm getting older and qualifying times last two years. Really I only need to shave off about 3 minutes and I will qualify for 2017. Here's the thing, why wait! It may be years before I get back to Boston but to know I'm a beast would be awesome.
Third, Better race photos. My Boston ones I looked happy up until I hit the wall. I was also going a lot slower. NYC and my halfs, I looked like crap. I would love that picture where I'm rounding the Eiffel Tower to look amazing. It should be a picture I cherish forever. Unfortunately it's at about mile 20! That usually means your going to look like crap. So hopefully my hair will still look okay and I will remember to smile. Let's be honest, I will be pushing it and I will probably look like I'm constipated, just like NYC:(.
Fourth, perfect outfit and actually a good hairstyle. Boston I had no choice, my halfs I cared less and NYC my shorts turned into panties about mile 6. My hair always looks like a mess at the end. I know, I just ran a marathon but still.. I want to look decent. I want the perfect Parisian outfit and a hairstyle that holds up. Maybe a running Bikini... yeah umm no! Not too much to ask. Maybe even a hair bow. I'm actually way to old for that mess. I want something that says I'm a bad ass runner but I can be cute at the same time. Girly yet don't mess with me.
Fifth is the usual, No injuries, illness or crapping my pants! No bathroom breaks and to feel good at the end. That really is the goal. A successful marathon is one you finish comfortably. To enjoy every minute of it and end thinking "Holy shit! I just ran Paris!" Well, hopefully Santa will bring me these wishes and bring beer to the beer less. 133 days from now it will be on and cracking! Au revoir!

#feelnoshame...

So today is world aids day and the theme is feel no shame. Everyone is supposed to share a fear they have or something they feel shameful of. Because of the stigma surrounding the disease many don't get tested or get treatment. Never be ashamed and get tested. These days it can be treated and it's no longer a death sentence. It's also nothing to be ashamed of. We all make mistakes, we are human and sometimes we don't even know we made a mistake. Also practicing safe sex is important and never feel like you can't. No glove, no love! Well now that we have gotten that out of the way, here is my shameful admission. I'm still scared to eat.

I've ran two world majors, another in the middle of the night with a bum knee and finished 77th. Plus two half marathons and a run streak since April. Yet at thanksgiving I had a full on panic attack over beer and pie! I can run with millions watching, put away the nerves but a pie placed in front of me sends me into fight or flight mode. Having a beer passed to me has me shaking like a leaf. The thought of wanting a piece sent me into a nightmare worse than being told Forever 21 was going out of business! I cried the whole way home in the car over food. My food issues are so embarrassing to me. I always wonder what's my problem? Yet there I was losing my shit over an innocent pie who did nothing wrong to me. I live in such a controlled bubble surrounding my food that it's sad. The thought of not knowing exactly what's in the food makes my face break out. I'm a marathon runner who is scared of food. That's my shame.

We all have skeletons in the closet. We are all human and we should embrace that and never let it get in the way of our health. Get tested if you haven't and never feel alone! For me, my shame is my stumbling block on the road to Paris. It's something that people have made fun of me for and made me ashamed. But today I'm putting it out there and hopefully I can succeed! I have 134 days until I say bonjour to my ultimate goal. Paris!!!